I believe re-entry is different for everyone.
It’s smoother in different ways for people and it’s harder in different ways for people. Some may handle it wonderfully and others may not handle it at all.
For me, some things are going smooth. And other things aren’t.
I’ve been struggling with being tired of building friendships with people that end up falling apart or being fake. I’ve been dealing with pain for a year over a certain friendship I held dear that ended for different reasons. The realization that people have changed…or maybe I’ve changed and I can no longer relate to them is painful. And not knowing if I will be able to maintain friendships with the people on my squad is painful as well.
I get heated when I hear people complain about the lack of women’s rights in America, when people make snide and crude remarks about Syrian Refugees, and when people make condescending assumptions about this past year all the while trying to pretend that they know everything and they care….or when they think that riding elephants was the highlight of my whole trip. (It was really cool…but not the highlight.)
All of these reasons have a root. I’ve been struggling against these feelings. I’ve also been numbing myself by staying distracted, not wanting to deal with them. Which is wrong.
But the truth of the matter is, it’s completely and utterly selfish to feel this way at all. I don’t deserve the people that have been graciously placed in my life, I don’t deserve the blessings I’ve received or the sights I was able to see this past year that awakened me to so many things. I have been given so much grace, understanding and forgiveness…it’s a crying shame if I can’t release the same to others.
Yet still, I struggle with my fleshly human emotions and…that…that makes me even more upset.
What I, as an individual, need to do is fight to connect with people again. I need to face hard emotions head on. I need to fully process this year and be okay with the fact that many people aren’t really interested about my experience on the race, at no fault of their own. Most people did not experience what I did this past year, so it’s unfair for me to expect anyone to know what to ask or talk about.
I’m not sharing this for pity. I was inspired to write this by a dear friend and past team leader of mine who shared a blog with what she is struggling with in hopes that her weakness will bring God glory.
I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, even though I was too nervous to share it with anyone. I spent the past year learning about how vulnerability is essential…and it still scares me. A friend wrote a very vulnerable blog about her scary experience with her pregnancy today…and that really convicted me to share this…just like my friend mentioned in the above paragraph. So, here it is.
Thank-you to everyone who has reached out to me, prayed for me and loved on me. Thank-you for being gracious. Thank-you for taking time to read this.
With love,
Meraia
