Hi guys!
Sorry for the long past due blog update and that I’ve been MIA.
Do you remember my first blog? “Blessed, Broken, Sent?” Well…let’s just say I wasn’t getting done being “broke” I guess you could say…
I was good for about 2-3 weeks. And then, everything in my mind went chaotic again, except much worse. I felt like I wanted to die. I don’t remember ever feeling that mentally anguished in my life. I went back and forth between being depressed and anxious almost daily. I felt like God was really mad at me. I thought that I was never saved. I mean, I felt MISERABLE. In every sense of the word!!!
I started doing better some last week, but I kept waking up with horrible anxiety. It paralyzed me and I felt glued to the bed, like I couldn’t get up.
For the past three months, since before I got accepted, God has brought back certain things back to my memory that I did wrong. At first, I thought it was the devil, and some of it was but some of it wasn’t. God was wanting me to make restitution to the people that I did wrong to, or that I lied to or gossiped with. So I was apologizing to so many people…and my dad thought I was going bonkers because I kept apologizing to him over and over about stuff. Heck, I thought I was going bonkers.
And then, this past weekend, made me feel normal again.
It was a prophetic conference about broken images and Godly anguish. Often, we have a broken image of our self based on lies we were fed as kids by friends, family and our culture. We also learn bad/good behaviors by watching those we look up to. So, we have a broken image about what we are supposed to be like…and then, when we sin…it breaks that image even more.
Well….contrary to what culture says is normal….God never intended for that to be normal.
In Genesis 1:27, it says “God created human beings; he created them godlike, reflecting God’s nature. He created them male and female.”
We all were created to reflect God’s nature. But due to the fall of mankind, our image gets broken by sin. But thank you Jesus, literally, Jesus can restore that image piece by piece as He begins to show us who we are meant to be. The key is BELIEVING IT! And God was showing me areas in my life where I still had a broken image that needed to be fixed….and in order to fix that image…He usually had to deal with morality issues. Ouch.
This scripture that is below this, is exactly what has been going on with me for the past three months. And it was PAINFUL but it put a fear and respect of God I have honestly never had in my life.
2 Corinthians 7:8-11
“I know I distressed you greatly with my letter. Although I felt awful at the time, I don’t feel at all bad now that I see how it turned out. The letter upset you, but only for a while. Now I’m glad – not that you were upset, but that you were jarred into turning things around. You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss. Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. And now, isn’t it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You’re more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you’ve come out of this with purity of heart.”
Going through this, makes me want to do my best to not lie about little things ever…to stay away from any form of gossip…to not watch certain shows that degrade Christ…just because I know it breaks His heart. He is always with us…THAT IS NOT A CLICHE STATEMENT! He is right there…in the room where you are reading this! He sees everything, down to the motives of your heart. If that is not humbling, I don’t know what is. It’s something that we “know” but I don’t think all of us fully understand that. After what I went through, I definitely have a clearer understanding of how all-knowing and how close God actually is. I mean, if you asked Jesus to be your Savior…you asked Him into your heart. So…He’s in your heart…so every time we sin…imagine what that does to Him? Crazy. I mean, I know that I will make mistakes and have shortcomings….but after the pain I felt for knowing what pain I caused Him while He was tortured and went on the cross to die for me….I want to do my best, with His strength, to be as pure in heart as possible.
And, this weekend was so needed. I felt the glory of God like never before during a song in praise and worship about coming out of the wilderness and passing the test…I literally crumbled down to my knees because I felt the love of God so strong. I felt like that was the beginning of me feeling normal. And on Friday and Saturday night-so many people in my church shared their raw testimonies about where they came from and how God was dealing with them. My gosh. God’s mercy has a new meaning to me after hearing what these beautiful people have gone through in their life and what God has done in them so far. Through sharing, you could see that their image was being repaired by the Holy Spirit. And it was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever witnessed. On Saturday, we were at church from 6:30 pm to 1:30 am. It was intense.
So, yeah. If you feel like you’re going insane and God isn’t there, He’s there. Trust in Him and just believe He will get you through what you’re going through. A lot of people in the Bible went through, and a whole lot of Christians currently have experiences like this. You aren’t the only one! So don’t forget who your savior is, and He is always trying to make our heart more like His…and that’s not always a pain-free experience! 🙂
I also want to apologize for not being on top of fundraising. My mind has been all over the place. I’m going to extend the number board till the end of the month since I wasn’t keeping up with it. Thank you to those who have already donated!!! 🙂
Sincerely,Meraia
