First of all, I just want to take the time to apologize because I am not blogging and sharing with you guys as much as I should or could. I have no excuses but sometimes being lazy, but most of the time it is because I just don’t know how to put what I am experiencing on the field into words or I don’t know what to share.
Yes, so much is going on everyday and I could probably write something out of it, but to be honest, even if we have amazing ministry opportunities, divine encounters, God-given opportunities to share the Gospel, my experiences on the field are also influenced by my own perspectives, my emotions, my past, my own lenses… so it often ends up being also about me, and I feel kinda bad about it, thinking I should only write about ministry and not myself, my perspective, my growth and stuff…
But I can’t be silent forever, right? So, here a little piece of what happened a few weeks ago at Bangla Road (Patong area, Phuket, Thailand).
Bangla road is in the Red light district of Phuket.
During day time it is a lively touristic street with bars, shops, tattoo parlors and food vendors.
At night time it is the stage to half dressed girls, sometimes lady boys and people offering you promises of pleasure.
The contrast is striking…
The contrast is heart breaking…
The team felt led to go in that particular street that night, holding signs that would hopefully make a difference.
Where there are signs everywhere offering you promises of self-gratification for a certain amount of money, there we will stand with signs offering free prayers.
Where there are signs offering you minutes of self-centered needs to be met, there we will be offering our ears to listen to people’s stories.
Where there are signs offering you an encounter with a stranger, there we will be inviting people to encounter their Creator…
Tourists, people making a living in that street, people who came to fill a void in their heart…
Everyone was more than welcome.
We decided that half of the team will be in the middle of the street holding the signs while the other half would pray for them, and then we will change roles. I was in the first team holding the signs.
How did it go? Was it easy? Did we met a lot of people? Did we have opportunities to tell people about God and pray for them?
The answers are different for each one of us…
My answer : “No, it wasn’t easy, it didn’t go the way I expected but I grew and learned a lot through it”.
It started so well, I was so pumped to be here with the firm assurance that God was with us.
I got to share my faith with a man of Hindu faith and I had the opportunity to pray for him and his family.
But then, things started to get a bit difficult because I let unnoticed insecurities and lies come in the way and fill me with fears.
If you don’t know it already, I am French but I was born in Vietnam.
During that night of ministry I had the hurting feeling that people wouldn’t come to me, but only to my teammates….
My mind was racing with thoughts : “Why? Why Lord? We are all your daughters filled with the Holy Spirit, your light… It seems to me that we all are excited to be here and being friendly, smiling to people, waving at them, inviting them to come closer… so why is no one coming to me, or if they are looking at me, then they end up going to one of my teammates… The only difference I can see is that they are Western and fair-skinned and I am Asian… Because I am Asian and there are already Asian people everywhere here, people just don’t want to talk to me… It is pointless for me to stand here… Why am I even here?”
These thoughts went on and on in my mind and the more I dwelled on it, the more I believed it.
Yeah… I let that false conclusion and lie sink deep within me, distort my perspective and affect the joy and excitement I initially had to serve God the way He inspired us for that night.
One of my teammates came to replace me after a while, and shame on me, but I felt relieved. My pride was hurt, my tendencies of comparison and to perform better when I feel threatened were switched on, lies made their ways into my mind…
So there I was sitting on some stairs, supposedly here to pray for the other half of the team, but all I could do was dwell in my self-pity party, yet feeling the Holy Spirit fighting for me in my spirit : “It isn’t true Melodie, now pray and ask me where these lies come from and why it affected you so much… Share with the team what you are struggling with and ask them to pray for you as well.”
So I did…. You know me, I cried, but confessing my struggle brought me relief and clarity. I repented as well.
The Lord reminded me that back when I was around 10 years old I was struggling with being Asian and I wanted to look like my adoptive mom, blond with blue eyes. I never delt with that struggle because as I grew up I just forgot about it and burried it.
The second thing that was brought back to my memory was our first three months in Africa with my squad. Even if it was uncounsciously and I never verbalized it, I let hurt and envy enter my heart back then : adults and children would “run” to my teammates, try to touch them, their hair, their hands, greeting them, telling them how beautiful they are, how beautiful their fair-skin is and how they wished to be like them… but not to me…
And somehow I allowed myself to believe it was because I was not fair-skinned…
This night I didn’t have a clear mind and I had a hard time holding captive my thoughts.
This night of ministering to others also became a night of ministering to my wounded broken self.
This night I realized how unnoticed lies and wounds can explode later in our life if left undelt with in the moment.
This night I was reminded that I look exactly how God created me to be and He loves me the way He created me, and so I should.
Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made… mind, soul and body…
Right after some of my teammates prayed for me, one of them came running back to me, telling me there was a French guy that just came to talk to them, but he couldn’t speak english well, so they needed me to come.
That was the wink of a caring Daddy to his daughter.
That was Him saying “Come, get back on your feet, you are exactly where you are supposed to be”.
That was my Comforter in action.
And that is my God.
He found me and met me in the middle of Bangla street, right where I was.
And He is doing just the same with each one of us.
Be found…
