We have all had the conversations with people that we love that are gut wrenchingly painful, you know the ones that I am talking about? Conversations that rock our core and make us lose our stability? Conversations that may as well have been called a root canal, painful but necessary?
Dear friends, welcome to my root canal.
I will not be leaving for 11n11 this August.
This news may hit you like a swift kick in the shins, as it did me.
But, to answer the question that is undoubtedly coming up to your brain at this very moment:
This. Is. Not. Over.
I. Am. Still. Going.
2016 is just not the time.
I have spent my entire life trying to be all of the things.
I wanted to change majors halfway through college and not have to stay extra semesters- done. I wanted to work while taking 20+ credit hours-done.
I wanted to see the world while serving others and doing things that I loved-done.
I wanted to be all of the things. I strived to create an identity for myself within being all of the things. I wanted to be a great student, a great daughter, a great friend, a great colleague, a great missionary, a great teacher, a great leader, a great follower, a great caregiver, a great Christian all at the same time- but I didn’t quite make it. It just doesn’t work that way.
Try as one might, in actuality, one can not be all of the things. At school, training camp, on the race, and in real life too- you can not be all of the things. That is some harsh reality to come to grips with. Regardless of the effort – you will fail. It won’t be pretty. In the end, you find yourself with bits and pieces of yourself battered and worn, with holes and weaknesses you don’t even know about because you haven’t been living authentically or well in a really long time (or ever). Your life will look like your Internet Explorer or Safari window- full of more tabs than you know what to do with and overwhelmed with where to go from here. What do you close or leave open? What do you take care of first? When do you say enough is enough in a relationship? When do you start taking care of yourself instead of putting others needs in front of your own? You will soon find that your identity will be linked to accomplishments checked off on your check lists and on your resume instead of who you actually are. Along the same line, your identity will be linked to your failures, mishaps, mistakes and sins instead of truths.
All of that to say, Training Camp placed these very large and very important questions before me that I find that I can not answer right now.
Who am I, actually?
Where do I find my identity, truly?
My lack of ability to answer those questions and decipher through the emotions that lie within those answers have lead me here. Two weeks ago, I came home 3 days early from Training Camp. Two weeks ago, the plans I’ve spent over a year dissecting and perfecting got completely flipped upside down. Despite how much pain this sentence is to write, say and proclaim over myself: Now just isn’t the right time for me.
I was running full speed ahead towards what I believed to be the end zone when a flag got thrown from behind me and a whistle blew, ending the play. If you watch football, you know that this moment is when the players always throw their arms up in the air with a “Who did dat?!” attitude- only this flag was on me.
False start. Not ready.
But this timeout the Lord inevitably gave me by throwing His flag is serving a far greater purpose than just some extra time on the sideline. He still has work to do. I have things to learn. I don’t want this season of timeout to be wasted. I want to answer this season like Ananias answers the Lord in the New Testament. The Lord calls for Ananias, and he answers “Yes Lord!” <— You don’t see a question mark. He isn’t asking, “What do you want from me?” Ananias is saying, “I’m here for whatever you need”. In the midst of mess, you still have to move. So that is what I’ll be doing. Moving. Trusting. Learning. Growing. But probably most important, listening.
So, to my friends and readers that want to be “all of the things” that are walking with me in this season of brokenness, or maybe one day will be walking through this season; I pray that you can hear the truths that I have had poured over me in my 16 day timeout:
- You are not defined by your sins or mistakes. You are a daughter/son and are loved by God the same as yesterday, today and tomorrow.
- Stop trying to prove yourself. His love could go no further or deeper than it already does for you. Give yourself some Grace.
- Even in season of change and doubt and fear and confusion- the carpenter is sleeping peacefully in your boat in full faith that the storm will not overcome you. You should sleep too.
- With whatever you’re feeling during this time, let the Lord use it. Whether its pain, confusion or sadness, He cares and He wants to use those emotions for a purpose. Let Him speak truth into who you are and who He is: You are LOVED. You are WORTHY. You are ENOUGH. He is faithful. He is sovereign. He is such a good, good Father. He hasn’t left your side even for a moment. Don’t forget it.
All of my love and prayers if this meets you in a similar place. God is holding you so close to His heart, with your future nestled in the palms of His hands. You are well taken care of.
In a season that incredibly hard and difficult, the Lord continues to lavish me in His great love. He keeps writing me these beautiful love letters delivered in the form of people.
To my sponsors: thank you for believing in me. I can’t wait to love God and His people ALL because of you, next year!
To my friends/squadmates who have reached out: thank you for your grace, love and words of affirmation. It is all so precious to me.
To my sweet, sweet Jesus: thank you for Your grace that knows no limits and peace that surpasses all understanding. You are so good to me.
Cheers to my future Race. Cheers to new beginnings. Cheers to living authentically: taking the time to grow, allowing the Lord the space to work in you, and loving Him and His people with all of your guts.
XO- Melissa
“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”- John Steinbeck
