“You’re ready.”
These were the words my therapist left me with as I wiped the remains of our session off of my face.
“I will fill out those papers right here and now if you want me to, but know that when it’s your time- you’re ready.”
Y’all. These words were such a gift. Such a beautiful gift!!! But they came at a price, a heavy one.
So let’s rewind. A lot has happened in the last 126 days.
I’ve stared at this blank space for far longer than I would like to admit. But to be honest, I wasn’t sure what to say. What do you say after you pull an audible?
I can remember sitting in the small office space that day, the day the plans changed. I remember taking off my watch and turning in my name tag, knowing I wasn’t going to need either. I remember walking to my car, putting all of my stuff wherever I could reach. I remember hugging Megan, sobbing as she prayed big prayers over my heart, my life. I remember getting into my car with a straight face, clear eyes and a clear heart, driving in silence for hours. Covered in red clay, in clothes that were in desperate need of washing, and a heart that was worse for wear- I stopped at a Chick-fil-A because I just couldn’t hold it together anymore. I looked in the mirror and really didn’t like who I saw. I didn’t like her at all.
I called and set up my first therapy appointment in the parking lot.
Coming home felt like something akin to how a child feels when they didn’t get the trophy they were so readily prepared to receive. I didn’t come home with the reward and that devastated me. I lost my goal. Now that the World Race is out, what am I supposed to? I’m not going to be the missionary I had worked and planned so long to become. I had no idea how to handle all of these feels!!!! I felt like road pizza, with all of the innards of my soul exposed for the world to see. I was a walking failure, a misstep. Another place I didn’t do right. Another place I wasn’t enough.
My first therapy sessions were full of angst and sorrow. There were a lots anger and frustration. Sometimes, it was all of those things! My poor therapist. When I came home, WR gave us a check list of sorts to work on. And to be completely transparent, I looked at it as a list of things I was not’s. I wasn’t this or that, need this or that. Their list, along with the list the enemy has spent a long time developing, created a closet full of feelings deep in the grooves of my heart that looked like similar to a cartoon where the person is doing all they can to shove it back in their way too full closet and get the door to close. A few people said, “Give yourself some grace..” and I can not tell you how much I wanted to but didn’t know how. My whole life got turned upside down. How do I right it?
I spent time being invisible, visiting churches where I knew no one in hopes someone had the answers to the questions I sought, while not having to answer any questions myself. It all was such a vague blur of going through the motions. Until that day.
“The moment your program becomes bigger than the mission that is loving Jesus and the hearts of His people, you’ve lost your mission.”
I sobbed from my sheltered, secluded seat in the alcove of the church that I now have made a home in. Alone in my isolation, I heard in my heart the answer that I’ve looked and sought for so long. I lost sight of the mission, I lost sight of who I was. Somewhere, my “mission” became the World Race. My life was suddenly “I’m going on the World Race, where I’ll travel 11 countries in 11 months” instead of “I’m going to love Jesus and His beloved babies”. The end.
In my sweet little spot, I remebered who I was that day. I remembered my worth. I remembered the cry of hearts I heard that led me to missions. I remembered the mission doesn’t change when your location does. I remembered I was enough. I remembered the mission.
The list the World Race gave me could have been a list of I was not’s. The junk the enemy tries to throw at you can be a list of your failures or unreached goals. But by His grace, with new mercies each day, it becomes a list of “I can be”‘s. It can be a list of “let’s try this again, Jesus”. That, dear friends is the most precious gift of all. Jim Branch said it best, “We do not truly receive any gift until we take hold and make it our own. This includes Jesus’ grace.”
So. Here is to taking hold of that grace, of that peace that surpasses all understanding! Here is to taking leaps, being super vulnerable, and allowing Jesus the space to do some big work from the inside out! Here is to Spring, that comes after a cold and bitter Winter, that brings new life and new beginnings.
Here’s to the Race!
“Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an internal part of life use devastation as a seedbed for new life.” – Parker J. Palmer
