So, as most of you are aware of by now, I am leaving in 17 days to fly to launch. I cannot believe how fast it is approaching. I’ve pretty much got everything finished and ready to go. Just a couple last minute things to do, and physically I’m all set to leave for the next 11 months. With that being said, emotionally, I’m not quite ready yet. You see, in 17 days, I have to do the thing that I really wish I didn’t have to do. I have to fully surrender my entire life to Christ in a way that I never have before, but that is in 17 days. I still have 17 days on this side of surrender, but on this side of surrender it hasn’t been easy.
On this side of surrender, the struggle is real. Please do not think I am being over dramatic when I tell you that I’m grieving the loss of the life I have currently. I am. Truly. You see, I am literally leaving everything and everyone I have ever known to go walk the path the Lord is calling me down. I not only have to leave behind things like running water and a comfy bed, but I’m also leaving behind my loved ones too.
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold[a] and will inherit eternal life.
Matt 19:29 ESV
I am leaving my home, my friends, my family, my youth girls, and everything that I hold dear. I am doing this for the sake of Christ. If in my obedience even one person might come to know the love of God, then all of this is worth it. I know that in my heart I am ready to leave and carry out the plans He has for me, but I also don’t want to go.
On this side of surrender, I feel the full weight of loss. My love language is quality time and that is one of the things I have to give up with the people in my life that I love the most. So please, listen to me when I tell you that this is hard for me because I am being sincere in my brokenness. It is breaking my heart to let go. It kills me that I won’t be able to spend time with the people I love the most. I know that to ever have a new beginning I must first have an ending, but that doesn’t make the ending easier.
On this side of surrender, I am terrified. I am afraid that my absence will go unnoticed. I am afraid of not being able to be here, at home, with the community that I’ve come to love. I’m afraid that once I leave people will realize that I wasn’t all that great after-all. I’m afraid something is going to happen and I won’t be here. I’m afraid to leave my family. I’m afraid to trust that someone else can do all the things I used to do. I’m afraid that that someone will do those things better than I ever did.
On this side of surrender, I wait. I feel as if I have no purpose anymore. At least for the next few weeks. All the things I was a part of, I have to step back from. I cannot continue in those things because I have to be replaced. I chose to leave and now it’s time to go and let those who God has brought up take over. I need to get out of the way. Daily, I keep being reminded of the inescapable truth that I am not going to be able to help here anymore and for me that is a hard pill to swallow. I am no longer needed but it’s not time to go yet, so I wait.
On this side of surrender, life is hard, but it is mixed in with the sweetest of moments.
On this side of surrender, I get to really think about the relationships I have with people in my life. I get to think about what those relationships mean to me. I also get the opportunity to celebrate them. I’ve been feeling very sad about leaving lately. I couldn’t see that God had given me this moment to really look at the life He has given me to live in these past few years. I was too busy missing what I had to actually thank Him for giving it to me in the first place. The life I had, before God chose to bring me into where I am currently, was one of depression and loneliness. I was afraid that leaving the place where I found happiness would lead me back into that loneliness. I forgot that my joy came from Him. I forgot that I am never alone because He is always with me.
So, from now on, on this side of surrender, I choose joy. I choose to laugh so hard that I wheeze. I choose to thank Him for the friends and family that I have, that love me when I feel unlovable. Friends that call me out when I’m being selfish. Friends that encourage me and believe in me and help me far more than I ever could deserve.
God has given me so much on this side of surrender. I can’t wait to see what even greater things He has in store for me waiting on the other side. In 17 days, I will fully surrender my entire life to Christ and I am so excited that He chose me to give this gift to. I’m like a kid waiting to open up the biggest present ever! I can’t wait to see the other side of surrender!
