To say that, when I agreed to go on the World Race, I had no idea what I would be facing, is an understatement. I didn’t know how much I would be stretched and pruned. I had heard of spiritual warfare but never truly understood what that looked like in my life… until now. Lately, there has seemed to be a constant battle for my heart. I am constantly faced with all my fears and insecurities and I must look them directly in the eyes.
I am great at running. Not vertical running! Don’t sign me up for cardio, but I’m great at running from things that make me uncomfortable. Be it fears, or people, or relationships, or anything else… If I can get away with not dealing with the issues and messy parts, I will. So, God has had plenty of things to choose from to start His work in me, and, let me tell you, it has NOT been easy. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have had to deal with many things that I have been running from for my entire adult life, and I’ve had to do it with a smile on my face the whole time. But for just a moment, I want to be completely open and honest with you about all the things God has been doing in my heart over the past few months.
Let’s start with fundraising, because this seems to have been the biggest part of my life since my acceptance on this journey. My fundraising has been going great! I just reached my next fundraising goal, 7 weeks before its due date!!! HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!! You would think that when that happened I would have been ecstatic, but that wasn’t the case. When that happened, I broke down in tears. I have an amazing group of friends who have gone above and beyond to support me and help me with this whole process, and I cannot thank them enough for all that they have done for me. However, this is where the spiritual warfare comes into play, because, in this moment, I started battling with insecurities and fears of being a burden on my friends. That I am costing the people that I love money, and that it’s only a matter of time before enough is enough and they are done with me. Fundraising has shown me that I still very much so care about what the world thinks about me. I thought that was something that I had dealt with. I had decided that I am who God says I am, and that I can do what He says I can do. But the evidence is clear, that I still have growth to do here. Fundraising has made me feel completely vulnerable, and that’s not something that I like. I like control. I like feeling like I can handle things on my own. I like feeling comfortable. Fundraising takes all of that away. I feel completely at the mercy of other’s and that scares me. I understand why it must happen. I understand that I only start to look up and ask for help when I feel helpless, but it doesn’t make experiencing it any easier. I am incredibly hard-headed and so I will hold on to what little control I believe I possess for as long as I can. God has brought me to the point in all this fundraising where I must give up. I must let Him take control and show me where to go. The battlefield for this warfare has been in my mind. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I do not believe that my heart is fully living in the acceptance of the identity that Christ has given me, and I believe that this is why I am having such a hard time accepting my role in the whole fundraising process. If you haven’t noticed, I am very self-centered in my thinking sometimes, and in fundraising I really take a back-seat and others drive. It’s not about me, and I have a hard time understanding that. I’m still learning and growing in this, but I am starting to realize that it’s about what God is doing in the hearts of the ones donating and it is about my heart’s ability to accept the gifts. I’ve got some growing still to do in all this, but I’m beginning to see a little clearer.
Now that my funding has been raised for my launch goal, I have to physically be ready. If I’m being completely honest, this is my biggest fear of all. I was told when I first started really considering applying for the race that I wouldn’t be able to physically do it. That there was no way I could hike like that with a fully loaded pack. Well, I’m happy to announce that this past Saturday, 7 days before training camp, I hiked the distance in the time required with my fully loaded pack!!!
I threw my hands in the air and yelled! I was so excited, and, though the complete stranger waiting in her car by the trail was slightly alarmed, she congratulated me on reaching my goal. It was something that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do. I hadn’t been training very much. I had been using the excuse of being too busy, but, in reality, I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I kept letting fear win. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I guess I would rather have not known that I couldn’t do it than know for certain that I could. I had let those voices have control over me, and forgot that I can do ALL things through Christ. All things includes the physical fitness portion of training camp. I had to really rely on God through this. Praying for the strength to keep going. Praying for the courage to ask for help. Praying for God to remind me that I CAN do this because He says I can. To remind me that God doesn’t set me up to fail, but to prosper. I couldn’t have reached this goal alone, but God is constantly providing for me. I am so thankful to have had such great support during this. From people lifting me up in prayer, to the ones who agreed to go hike with me, I cannot say thank you enough! It means so much to me that you care. It’s so wonderful knowing that I can and will be able to meet the physical requirements. Its allowed me to focus on the last part of my preparation for training camp, my relationship with God.
Spiritually, God has been wrecking shop all summer long in my life. I have been emotionally drained and filled back up to the brim so many times over the past few months. I have had some amazing wins and some spectacular losses over these past few months. God has broken and restored many different relationships in my life. Community is something that I have had to work on a ton. My relationships with people in my life have been worked on, sometimes even though I didn’t want to work on them. God has been moving me out of that comfort zone of isolation this summer. The moment we all learned that we would be an all-girl squad, my roommate said, “I feel like God has been preparing you for this all summer.” I hate it when she drops some wisdom like that, and I can’t argue about it. She was right, though. I’ve used most of my time this summer serving. I went as a sponsor to youth camp and got to spend time with my amazing group of youth girls. The most unexpected thing about camp was the relationships between the women leaders that were forming. I was able to have some amazing conversations with some people that I will never forget. I also went to Houston with our youth for a mission project. I got to see just how much mission work there is to do right here at home, and I can’t wait to see what I can learn and bring back home with me from the race. I was able to work with children during Vacation Bible School and also as a leader at kids’ camp. I have been a part of great leadership training and have been able to remember how much I truly love kids and can’t wait for the ones we will get to meet on our journey this next year. Throughout every one of those experiences I was spending most of my time with women, so maybe this was God’s plan all along. To show me what I need to work on to help make me the best person I can be for my squad.
In spiritual warfare, the battle for your soul is fought in many different ways. Another way that I experienced this summer was through my own testimony. I was able to learn what true forgiveness is and how to really give that to someone else. I was raped when I was seven years old, and, through some of the volunteer work I did this summer, I was put into a situation where I was looking into the eyes of someone who had molested a seven-year-old girl. In that moment, I didn’t feel the rage I always thought I would. I didn’t condemn. All I could see was the pain of a hurting soul who thought forgiveness was impossible for them. In that moment, I realized that true forgiveness is possible, because I felt it. I could tell them that that sin wasn’t too big for forgiveness. I was able to tell them exactly how I knew that, too. God has been showing me constantly that my heart isn’t perfect by any means, but that doesn’t mean it’s not useful.
God wants to use me. I just have to get myself out of the way and allow that to happen. Now, you understand why when you ask me how’s everything going, I just look at you confused for a moment. There has been so much going on all the time that I have to process it all still. Spiritual warfare has been something that hit me so unexpectedly. I never fully understood what it was all about until now. I have been battling all summer, trying to die to myself daily. Some days it goes better than others but I will not give up trying. As I prepare to leave for training camp this week, pray that I am able to remember who God says I am and also to just go and live in that identity. Pray for my squad as we all are traveling to camp, and pray for us to have an amazing training camp! I can’t wait to tell you guys all about what God has in store next!
