So, I told you in my last blog that we’ve been doing ATL ministry for this last month. (If you haven’t read it yet click here…)
https://melissajordan.theworldrace.org/post/atl-ask-the-lord-month-update
A huge part of our ATL month revolved around evangelism, which isn’t my strong suit. When it comes to approaching people and talking about my faith I tend to get super awkward and nervous. I spent a majority of my time this last month trying to figure out why it was so hard for me. I tried, yet always felt like I fell short. So, I tried to make up for my shortcomings by doing other things. I can’t evangelize, but I can clean the kitchen, so I’ll do that. I can’t evangelize, but I can intercede, so I’ll do that. I can’t evangelize, but I can drive, so I’ll do that. I was so scared of failing in evangelism that I was running from it. Instead of having the conversation with a stranger, I was trying my best not to even be noticed by anyone. I tried everything I could to fill my time up with things so I could feel productive. I was practicing guitar constantly because if nothing else I could lead worship. One day out of frustration, I cried out to the Lord.
“Why? Why is it so easy for everyone else but it terrifies me? Why do I feel like I’m failing? Why do I feel like I’m not doing enough? Like I’m letting down all the people who chose to support me? God, what do you want me to do? How am I supposed to evangelize?” The Lord so sweetly answered me. He said, “I will give you answers, but first I want you to fast for three days.”
Now, when I heard Him tell me to fast, I thought I must be mistaken. Jesus knows I like food. I didn’t want to fast. So when I asked what He wanted me to fast, he told me, “I want you to fast the thing that is keeping you away from me.” As I prayed into what that meant though, I realized it might have been easier to fast food. What the Lord was asking me to fast was ministry.
I didn’t understand. How could I fast ministry when that was the whole thing I was out here to do? How was not doing ministry going to help the problem of me being able to be effective in ministry? That seemed very counter productive, and I told God that, but I agreed to do the fast. I told my team that I felt like the Lord was asking me to spend time with Him and that was what I would be doing for a few days.
I spent the next day immersed in the word. I watched sermons on youtube, spent hours reading in my Bible, and journaled. I spent hours just praying and talking to the Lord. I loved it, but I still didn’t know how any of it was going to get me any closer to understanding evangelism.
The next day the Lord called me to repentance. I was in my quiet time in the morning when the Lord took me to Joshua. Joshua 3:5 says “Then Joshua told the people, ’Purify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do great wonders among you.’” I spent hours looking into my motivation for ministry lately and what I found was heartbreaking. I had been holding ministry as more important than my time with God. Not ministry itself, but how well I performed in ministry. You see no matter how much I grow, I still occasionally fall into trying to earn my salvation. I thought I wasn’t doing my part if I couldn’t go out and tell people about my faith. So instead of spending time with God, I tried to spend my time doing things for God. It wasn’t until I felt like I couldn’t even do that that I realized I had neglected my relationship with the Father. I sat that day and repented. I repented for striving. I repented for not making God the most important part of my life. I repented for believing He made me poorly. I repented for thinking God could have done a better job when He made me. I asked for forgiveness for trying to earn something that was freely given. I apologized for not believing that God loves me as much as He does others. I repented for my bitterness, for silencing his creation, and for so much more. I had, at this point, completely forgotten about why I cared so much about evangelism anyway.
The next day I just worshipped. I wrote Psalms to the Lord. I grabbed my guitar and played songs. I spent my day just resting in the loving arms of Jesus. I felt like for the first time in a long time I remembered why I was out here at all and that was because I was so in love with Jesus that I wanted others to have that too. It was then that I realized the Lord had already given me a way to evangelize. He let me share His love through my art. I had started this trip painting and giving prophetic words to hosts and people we met along the way. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped. The Lord reminded me that I was called to share His love with people through art. I just hadn’t stopped comparing myself with others long enough to realize that I was made to do something different. Something uniquely me. The only thing keeping me from evangelizing effectively was me. I was trying to follow someone else’s path and I was made to forge my own.
So, I woke up the next day and began to paint. I have painted some for fundraising, but I’ve also painted and given away prophetic paintings to strangers. (Stay tuned for a blog about these paintings!) I have been and will continue to use my art as an evangelical tool to share the love of the Father.
So there’s a look into my fast. It’s not what you would typically think of when you think of fasting, but it was exactly what the Lord called me to fast. I had to pause, repent, and recenter so that I could see clearly the path the Lord had for me. I had been crying to the Lord to help me but was too impatient to be still and listen to Him. Those three days I struggled to stay back and not go to ministry with my team. I struggled thinking that I was letting all of you down, but ultimately the Lord showed me I was exactly within His will. Because of these days, I knew exactly what I was supposed to do with the rest of our time (3 weeks) during this ATL month. I can’t wait to share with you the stories from the prophetic paintings that I have given away but that is for another blog. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
I am still fundraising for this trip. I am over halfway to my total which is incredible and I am so thankful for all your support this far. However, my deadline of September 1st is approaching, so I am asking for you guys to pray about financially supporting me. Any amount helps! If you have any questions for me please let me know! I cannot thank you guys enough for following my journey and caring to support me. It means more than I can say!
