Dear God,
These past few weeks it has felt as though I had been running on a treadmill to get to you- running, gasping for air, yet not getting anywhere. I had been feeling a bit stagnant in my relationship with you even when I tried to go deeper. It didn’t make sense to me. I’m leaving in three months to serve you for nine yet I had been so frustrated with myself for not getting to where I thought I needed to be that I blamed you. But its not your fault God; I was pretending to have it all together. I was pretending like I knew it all and because of that I was trying to live up to my own standards for you, which let’s be honest will never be perfect. Yet you continue to love me anyways. You have called me to live this life for you and to serve you and that’s exactly what I want to do, but today you made me realize that I can’t fully do that until I stop pretending to have it together all the time. I won’t be able to be molded and stretched until I stop performing for others. I am a mess more than half the time, but that’s okay because I’m your mess, Lord. Help me to be okay with not being okay. Lord, help me to ask for help when I need it and to humble myself before others so that I can receive whatever it is you want me to from them. Lord, remind me of what you have done in my life when I begin to lean on my own strength more than yours. Forgive me for thinking I could control how certain situations play out in my life. Listening to “Remembrance” by Hillsong today you reminded me of the price Jesus paid for me. You reminded me of where I used to be and how you saved me. You reminded me that you changed me. You reminded me how your love is the most purest and fulfilling thing in my life. Let it be more of you and less of me, God. Continue to renew my mind and heart each moment I breathe. Thank you, Lord, for loving me even when I make mistakes, even when I fail sometimes, even when I’m a mess – you’re so awesome and I love you endlessly.
Amen.
