The slow fade into the background of my own life. The darkness in a tunnel that never produces a light at the end. Held down by years of this never ending cycle of ending up back here. Depressed.
That’s where I have been. Raw. The constant pain of feeling unworthy, unwanted, and unloved. Hopeless.
The shame of changing everything I am to satisfy those who do not speak truth in my life. The pressure to perform. To please. To prove something. To prove anything. Oppressed.
And I am left here. Alone. Uncomfortable. In a foreign place. Stripped of everything. Naked.
There is nowhere left to hide this darkness that is inside. I push those in front of me away. To help ease the pain. But the pain doesn’t ease, it only increases.
Jesus, I don’t know how to let them in. To let anyone in. Even you.
This darkness, this pain. It has been with me for YEARS. This torment I bare has been on my shoulders for so long that I don’t know how to let someone else come along and help carry the weight. Burdened.
I go back to find the beginning. A little girl, afraid. A preteen, troubled. A teenager, overloaded. A college student, selfish. A continuous clouding of darkness. There were signs everywhere. They ignored them. I ignored them. No one wanted to see the truth.
Well here is the truth. I live with depression.
But it doesn’t own me.
I fight. I get up every day and make a decision to try. Most days I win and some days I don’t.
And now on the race I am fighting it more than ever. I am going to the source of the pain. Bringing it to the light. I am determined.
Determined for the cycle to end. To live in complete freedom.
I am…
Fearless
Strong
Brave
Wanted
Loved
Worthy
I am enough.
I am a child of God.
I am finally seeing the light in the tunnel and it is Jesus.
The depression is coming to an end. Freedom is here.
This burden is no longer mine to bare. Jesus, I lay it here at your feet.
“Bestow on me a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” -Isaiah 61:3
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Many people struggle with depression and I am one of them. Depression isn’t something you should be ashamed of. If you struggle with depression please tell someone, let others come alongside you, and seek wise counsel. Don’t carry this burden alone and don’t feel ashamed for needing others to help. Also, please pray. Pray for me and others who fight this battle. Pray for us to always see the light. To see Jesus.
