At the end of last month my teammate, Kacie, gave a word and verses to each of our teammates.
I was excited to hear what my word would be…then she gave it to me. The word was surrender.
…dang it, I was hoping for joy or rest or something a little easier. Honestly I didn’t know what to do with it and the word in general makes me cringe a little. Surrender is a tough word, and I honestly didn’t have the strength to look too deeply into it at the time.
I got to Swaziland about a week and a half ago. Within this past week the Lord has been bringing up other hard words….words like submit and dependence.
Ok…I hear you, Lord.
I’m in the process of reading a book called Kingdom Journeys, written by Seth Barnes, the creator of the World Race. He outlines a spiritual process that happens on most “kingdom journeys” like the World Race…he describes how most people go through stages of abandonment, brokenness and eventually move to a state of dependence.
He says in his book, “’We’ve been force-fed the doctrine of self-reliance for so long that it’s embedded into the very fabric of our souls,’ say authors Jerry Bridges and Bob Bevington. The irony, according to Bridges, is that the more God-given abilities we have, the more we’re prone to rely on them—rather than on God. The problem is this self-reliance is corrosive to our souls.”
I’ve always seen my independence and self-sufficiency as a good thing. I don’t think I realized until recently how much it gets in the way of God moving in my life. He desires for us to have a posture of reliance on Him instead of reliance on ourselves, despite the gifts He has given us.
I’m finding the balance between using my God-given competence and abilities but also allowing God to truly come through for me in the moment and allowing him space to move and show up in my day-to-day.
The fact is that He doesn’t need us to show Him how much we can do; He wants us to give Him space to show us how much He can do through us…and that’s surely a blow to our pride and self-sufficient natures.
Living in a third-world country gives you the amazing opportunity to walk more fully in dependence on the Lord. The nearest hospital is over an hour and a half away…the people here are starving, sick and in need of hope. You are forced to rely on the Lord and His power to come through. You are reminded, in a humbling way, how powerless you really are without the Lord.
Full dependence on the Lord requires risk. Your complete trust has to be in God in order to truly walk in dependence.
“When we avoid risk or compromise, God doesn’t live through us to the extent that he’d like. He wants us to depend on him and his resources. To accomplish God-sized dreams, we must jump into situations where we have to depend on him.”
“Our self-sufficiency is at odds with a God who wants to display his power through us.”
(From Kingdom Journeys)
Lately, I’ve been convicted about the ways I’ve chosen to provide for myself, even out here on the race, instead of letting God provide. I have close to 75 pounds of gear and stuff I carry around with me…which hardly lets the Lord provide for my everyday needs.
Even as a missionary I’ve gotten trapped in a mode of self-sufficiency.
I get frustrated with myself, wondering why I have to continuously be taught these simple lessons, but thankfully the Lord is persistent in pursuing our resistant hearts and calling us deeper.
I know the cycle of abandonment, brokenness and dependence will continue to occur in my life, pulling me into deeper reliance in Him with each cycle.
I’m finding more and more that my strength really does come from dependency.
I’m also finding the sweetness that comes in the surrender.
“At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees…I’m lost for words, so lost in love. I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.” Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle
