You know in movies about movies the actors are always asking, “What’s my motivation?” It’s a silly little question in the movies because it’s usually super obvious. Your motivation is you want the other person to fall in love with you or your motivation is you don’t want the man with the big scary gun to shoot you. But it’s no longer a silly question when I start honestly thinking about what’s my motivation for doing the things I do.
My team leader (who is awesome and writes great blogs—you should probably read them and comment) has given me feedback and called out over me that my spiritual gift is the gift of loving. He tries to remind me when I’m feeling discouraged that I love well and that God moves through my life in the act of loving others.
But I’ve started to discover that just because that’s my spiritual gift doesn’t mean I am always living in it or using that gift for God’s glory.
Last month God convicted me to really examine my motivations behind my actions. I have this deep ingrained desire to make people happy. The good old people pleaser in me loves the race because there are a ton of opportunities every day to make sure someone is happy. But now I wondered why I was doing these things. Why was I seeking to make sure others were happy? Was it because I generally cared about them and wanted to make sure they were content or was it because I wanted them to like me. That’s a hard question to ask. It’s an even harder question to answer honestly.
There are times I love others so they will love me back. Not because they are worthy of love, not because God has called me to love or because loving others is a natural expression of what God is doing in my life.
Sometimes I love for the right reasons and sometimes I don’t. And sometimes I willingly withhold my love for all kinds of selfish reasons.
And God just started to give me clarity in a lot of areas where my motivation isn’t right. A perfect example:
Last month we lived with two other teams. Finding a quiet place/time to do family time was nearly impossible. We often met in the back room where most of us stored our stuff we didn’t keep in the tents; it also was the only way to get to the bathroom. It seemed as though whenever I was sharing something really personal or difficult we would be interrupted by another team. One time another team was meeting in the back room and I wanted to go to bed but my toothbrush and toothpaste were in my bag. At first I didn’t want to grab it because I didn’t want to interrupt them but as their team time went on and on I started debating going in and getting it. My excuse for going in was that we were always gracious to them when they interrupted us to get something and I knew they would show that same grace to us so it’s ok to go in. But then I realized that wasn’t the truth. First in my heart I hadn’t been gracious. My head understood it was the situation but my heart was frustrated that in my moment of vulnerability I had been interrupted. And secondly, because of that I wanted them to know what it felt like. I wanted to walk in and interrupt. And the light just came on—my motivation wasn’t one of love and peace and joy. It was of spite and revenge. (all this over a toothbrush and toothpaste! I’m telling you, just because I have considerably less items now doesn’t mean that God doesn’t use those few things I have to drive a point home!)
And so now these past few weeks I’ve been trying to really look at my motivations before I act. I desire to get to a place where I do or don’t do things because it is an expression of God’s love and not because I’m hoping to get something out of it in return or for revenge.
(I’m pretty sure this is one of those lifelong processes—what do you think?)
ps: I did not end up grabbing my toothpaste and toothbrush. I couldn’t get my heart in the right place so I went to bed with dirty teeth—please don’t tell my dentist! The next morning I brushed for an extra-long time!
And since this a blog about South Africa I figured I could post a picture from last month. This is our front yard and this picture is dedicated to Spam Man…I can't wait to chat through so much stuff when I get back! And happy birthday!
