So this is going to be super long and I apologize ahead of time but trust me it's totally worth it!
Just a typical Tuesday night for Team I-61!
When first presented with the World Race's expectations I thought it would be tough sometimes but overall pretty easy. I was wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. It’s super tough most of the time. It’s totally counter cultural and uncomfortable and awkward and amazingly good. So I want to do a series on the toughness of living in World Race culture and how beauty is coming through that. The first aspect of World Race culture is feedback. Every single day we sit down as a team and we talk through our day and actions. We encourage people and tell them the things they did that demonstrated Christ to us. We also tell them when they have done something that dos not demonstrate Christ. This experience is so big I actually need to break this down into two parts. So part one: Calling UP not Out!
Sometimes people do stupid things. Sometimes they say things they don’t mean. Sometimes they let insecurities or emotions dictate their actions. (and by people I mean me). When I make a complete fool of myself for whatever reason a teammate (or a few) will tell me how I acted and how it’s not of God. But even more than that they tell me the person they know I am that I seem to have forgotten about when living in my insecurities. The person God created me to be.
I like concrete examples so here’s a true story to help explain:
The other week we were out to dinner and as a team we were discussing how our actions were going to come across to our contact and one teammate felt our actions were going to be viewed negatively. I didn’t feel that way so I chimed in with how I felt. In my need to be heard I used words that made her feel as though I didn’t think she was as smart as me. So later that day at feedback I was called UP. They brought up the conversation, told me exactly what I had said that was demeaning and then ended with saying they knew that’s not what I meant because I’m a loving and encouraging person. The issue wasn’t that my words were hurtful, it was that I love others so much but in that moment I wasn’t living that out. If they had just said that I’m a jerk who hurt her feeling that would be calling me out.
Calling out is what I’m used to. That’s what our culture does. We tell people how they hurt us and are not living up to our expectations. When was the last time you hurt someone and instead of them telling you how terrible you made them feel they told you how much they loved you and knew you were an amazing person and gave you suggestions on how to live up to that.
To be completely honest this has been a hard transition. It’s hard to hear feedback and not focus on the negative but to focus on the love part; to see myself as the person they know I am and can be through God. It’s also hard when you’ve been hurt to stop and remember that they are a child of God and that they are an amazing person who just needs to be reminded of how awesome they are. It’s taken four months but I finally feel as though I’m getting it. That I’m getting to a place where I can accept being called UP and getting to a place where I am calling UP my teammates.
So I start to pat myself on the back. I’m getting it. I’m living in community. I am a calling UP machine. And then God knocks me back down a peg.
At training camp I realized that I was holding on to some pretty serious hurt and anger in my life. Someone had hurt me 12 years ago and I was still holding on to that. (seriously? 12 years?!!? Does anyone else feel like that’s a little obnoxious that I held on for that long?). And so God and I started to move through the process of forgiveness and letting go. And I knew at training camp that I needed to send an email to that person telling them that I forgave them. And I didn’t. Lots of reasons, lots of excuses but it didn’t happen. And then again in Peru God tells me to write him. And again I say no.
So now it’s months later and I’m with a new team in a new country and God is still telling me to send the email. And during a time of team prayer for women in the sex trade a teammate thanks God for the glory that will be shown when a woman is able to forgive these men. And man did I just feel it. I had been robbing myself, this person and God for years! So I told my team, asked for some prayer and went to the internet cafe. And then I sat there. For a long time. Because living in this World Race culture has changed me. I can’t just tell him I’ve forgiven him for the pain he’s caused. I have to call him UP. I have to tell him that I see the man he’s supposed to be. It’s been 12 years. People change in 12 years. I’ve changed. I’m sure he’s changed too. How can I call UP someone I don't even know anymore??? And then I just start typing and I talk about the pain he caused, my part in the pain, how I’ve forgiven him and how I know that’s not who he is. That he is a good man. And that God loves him. And then I sent it.
It’s easy to tell someone you love what you see in them. It’s a lot harder to say those things to someone who’s hurt you.
The crazy thing though, as soon as I clicked send I felt different. For years I’ve been so angry and hurt. Whenever I’ve met people with the same name I’ve cringed and felt tension deep in my belly. But as soon as I sent it I felt sadness. I finally mourned the relationship. I was finally able to grieve the loss I experienced. And now this morning I woke up ready for whatever would happen.
Sometimes I worry that the changes I’m experiencing will just disappear after the Race. That I’ll go back to the same old Melissa. This was an amazing moment of freedom and clarity that I won’t be the same. That I can’t be the same. But I do wonder how my new living will affect those back home. Will you be freaked out when I call you UP? When you tell me I’ve done something poorly and I thank you and ask how I could have been better instead of trying to defend myself will you think I’ve been taken over by aliens? Or will you join in on the joy that is calling people UP not out?
Love, hugs, and kisses from I-61!
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*You guys are incredible! After my blog about my teammates in need so many people have pledged to give. You are seriously the most generous people ever (everyone on my team thinks so!)! But they still need more so feel free to forward my blog around!
*It's official I'll be spending my birthday on a bus for 20 hours heading to Romania–you're totally jealous right? My team and I have an awesome night planned for when we get settled in Romania so look forward to a blog about my Romanian birthday (ps on my birthday I'll be in Albania, Macedonia, Bulgaria and Romania–it's ok to think that's the coolest birthday ever).
*I love and miss you all tons! And pumpkins and apple picking and fall….
