Flashback to October.
Scene: Kathmandu, Nepal at the base of the Himalayas and land of Mount Everest. Also, what we call All Squad month where our 7 teams, 44 people in all, live side by side and do ministry the entire month together.
I was so excited about All squad month. It’s hard living in close quarters with the same 6 people. 6 people you have never met before and don’t know anything about. 6 people you didn’t choose to live with and may not get along with. Don’t get me wrong, we are learning to love, prefer, and sacrifice for one another but after a long, good, challenging month in India, I was ready to be around some new and exciting faces as was everyone else. So much excitement happens when 44 people who have so many different personalities and talents and passions come together.
I had told myself I was going to walk in joy and vulnerability and have fun and rejuvenate myself during the month of October. It started off pretty good. We had all squad debrief where we had the opportunity to be vulnerable with everyone and I found myself wanting to dive in. I finally caught up on sleep and had some good quality time with some of my good friends. But then, of course, life happens. When can you ever have something good without something hard and trying coming to take its place?
I’ve struggled with my health for years now. In and out of hospitals whether from illness or injury. Well, my health started to go downhill in Nepal. Actually it started to go down hill in India and I kept telling myself it was a matter of time before I got better. But by the end of the first week in Nepal , I was really sick.
I have a spinal cord injury due to a horse accident almost 8 years ago. The damage to the nerves in my spinal cord caused the nerves that send signals to my gastrointestinal tract to not work properly. So my system cannot break down or process foods normally. I’ve been able to manage my condition pretty well through not eating certain foods and drinking plenty of water, but the toll of living in a 3rd world country really made it hard on my body to function even at the normal 80 percent that it already does.
Being so sick, it started to wear on my emotions and my spiritual health. The enemy can really start to play games swith your mind when your weak and vulnerable. I slowly went into a depression and tried all I could to take care of myself; To sleep as much as I could, to eat strictly what I knew my body could process and to pray a lot. I isolated myself, had to miss a lot of ministry and cried a lot. I was already angry with God before I got so sick. I had been angry with God all through India because I could not hesr His voice. But now what could I do? I was desperate. I pleaded with God to heal me and hear me and not leave me, even though I still hated him and was angry with Him. I reached out for healing prayer to my squad and they prayed for me. Halfway through the month I started to walk a little taller and hope a little more even though my health had not improved much, but I had a bounce in my step and a joy about me; a confidence that the Lord would come through for me.
Andd then…
I was approached one day by my squad leaders and told that I was being sent home from the world race. Sent home for fear that I was too sick to stay on the field and that it would not only be detrimental to my health and spiritual health but could potentially put me in a fatal situation if I did stay.
Doubt, fear, anger, frustration, confusion, sadness, worry… they all flooded my heart. I couldn’t think clearly. Couldn’t hear God’s voice. I didn’t know what to do; whether I should trust this decision or whether to fight it. I was in complete denial that I was, in fact going home. It began to wreck the plans I had made in my mind. I had planned to be on the world race for one year and to finish strong no matter what. I agreed with myself that I would not choose to go home before I even left for the field. How do you handle someone else making a decision for you? My first instinct was to accept it. To accept that I was going home because most of the time I just do what I’m told. It was non negotiable and so in my kind the only option was, well, going home. They had given me 6 hours from the time they told me to figure out what state to fly me home to, which is in fact quite a huge detail when you really have no home. I chose to take that day off from ministry and sit with the Lord and seek Him on this.
It’s rare on the field to have any one place to yourself completely. Usually alone time looks like turning over on your bunk bed or floor mat with your back to the world and putting in ear buds. Its hard to really dig through your emotions and cry in a place like this. But, ironically, this chosen day, all 43 of my squad mates had left our 5 floor house for one reason or another. It was cold and rainy outside. I took my hammock, sleeping pad and iPhone up to the roof. Hung up my hammock, put on some Kari Jobe, stared at the Himalayas and tears began to fall.
Lord, why!
Why, now? Why me?
Where do I go now? There’s nowhere for me to go!
What ministry do you want me to do there?
How will I pay for a ticket home?
How will I explain this to everyone? Oh my goodness, all that money that was given… I can’t get it back. What will I tell my supporters?
I don’t WANT to go home. Actually, well, it would be a lot easier if I went home. I could have surgery to fix my bowels. I could get a hug from my mom. I could forget the world race and ignore all the hurt and pain and issues that were brought up.
I worried and cried all day. My stomach turned in knots. I felt my stomach in my throat.
Suddenly it dawned on me… after all the worry, doubts, fears, questions… after allowing my anger, frustration, and confusion to over take me, did I think to ask Abba what His plan was?
I was a little mad at myself for selfishly and anxiously thinking through the future. But, none the less I didn’t wait, once I was aware, to ask Him what his answer was.
Father, I know PEOPLE are telling me what I am to do, but what are YOU telling me to do?
I waited. So many fleshy battles unraveled in my mind. God asked me, “are you okay if I send you home? Are you okay with staying?” I wrestled with that for a long time. For hours. It was a battle of wants. Was I really okay with whatever God wanted me to do or did I only wish to stay on the race because it was what I wanted?
Melissa, why did you come on the race? – “Abba, because you told me to, you invited me to.”
What do you want to do? – “Whatever you want me to Papa. Stay or go. Whatever you want.”
What did I promise you in this journey, daughter? – Tears began to fall as I understood the Father bringing me back to His promises. His soothing voice coaching me back to trusting Him. I answered, “you promised to heal me, Daddy”.
Have I healed you yet? – “Not yet.”
Did I tell you to leave? Am I not the one who placed the stars in the sky, spread the oceans across the earth and put mountains in their place? No man can change my plans. If I have not spoken such things than it will not be.
I have to say I felt like a wandering soul in this moment. When many people are making decisions and telling you to do one thing, yet the father (who is unseen and not here in person) is saying the complete opposite. Who do you trust? I feared that, because here in the flesh so many people were making this life altering decision, that I had no control… that it would come to pass. I would be going home and it would be going against every grain in my soul and spirit to leave. But then where does my faith in God’s voice factor in?
Here is the promises and facts that I knew.
– God had promised me spiritual, emotional, and physical healing on this race and I hadn’t yet received that.
– God is true to His promises.
– I would receive healing on this race.
– I was currently funded to be on the field for yet another month.
– God did not say to move. He did not say to step. He did not say to leave.
As I repeated these unfulfilled promises to myself, a peace like a trickling stream of fresh water washed over my heart. My tears stopped and my breathing slowed.
Melissa, the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.
At that moment my trust meter bubbled up. That verse, exodus 14:14 , is the verse that God spoke over me when applying for the world race. I chose in that moment, listening to the rain pitter patter on the tin roof of our 5 room house in Kathmandu, Nepal to trust that I heard God’s voice. That He is real and He is the only one in control. That He follows through on promises. That He governs over our lives. That He is the only one who has the final say and He can open doors that no one else can and shut doors no one else can. And I chose to let my Abba, my daddy, my father, my protector, provider, comforter, teacher, and healer fight for me the battle I couldn’t fight in the flesh.
From that day forward I waited for decisions and answers, plane tickets, and phone calls to be made. I waited. This decision and process took almost 2 weeks. But throughout those two weeks , no matter how sure it seemed that I was going home, or how many times I was asked to give a place where they cold fly me home to, or tried to explain my medical condition, or change their mind , I trusted that Abba would come through for me. And, even if I did hear Him wrong and the decision was final that I would be going home, I trusted that He had opened another door and closed this one and I was content to do whatever He wanted of me wherever He wanted me to.
I said nothing. Waited.
A couple days after my 22nd birthday I was told that they were no longer requiring me to go home and that I could make the decision to stay or go.
And of course, I chose to stay.
It’s hard for me to wrap up all the golden nuggets, details, and conversations with Papa in this blog, but the month of October, my second month on the world race, was one of the most trying seasons of my life. Having been physically, emotionally, and spiritually running on empty and thrown into the midst of a spiritual battle, I felt like I was about to crack. When your mind can’t think straight, and emotions are running high, when things seem out of your control and undefiable, when everything and everyone says one thing and your heart tells you another what will you trust in? Who will you run to first?
The bible says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
I learned this verse in elementary for Junior Bible Quiz, but never did I understand it’s meaning until I fully had to live it out this past month.
First, do not be anxious about anything, but pray and give thanks. Trust His voice. Let him fight for you and be still.
He is who He says He is. And He WILL do what He says He will do.
