Let me be r e a l today.
Ive never had a blog.
I don’t know how to tell intriguing stories, and if it turns out that I actually have written a quite interesting tale, that was probably by accident or took me hours upon hours to write.
Today Im just going to write whats on my heart and how Ive been struggling through this journey of The World Race;
Choosing to say YES to God and go to Asia was saying yes to much more than an exciting missions trip. The decision to say yes was also a decision to literally give over every aspect of who I am, and who I thought I was, to God. This journey is bringing me to the end of myself.
Ive never thought of myself as struggling with pride. I actually would consider myself to lack a healthy amount of self pride, but the process that I am enduring in order to answer the call to go into missions is bringing all of my imperfections to the surface. And yes, I too have pride. I am overconfident that just because of who I am that money will pour in to my World Race account. I think that I know how to go about raising over 16 thousand dollars without help or advice from others, when in reality I might benefit from reaching out and letting whomever it may be to help me. This process is SO hard. Its hitting me down to the core and challenging my self reliance. This opportunity may in the long run result in numerous stories of redemption and love and miraculous healing, lives being touched for Gods kingdom, and although I know God is blessing me to be used as a vessel to minister to the people of Asia, I am the one who is experiencing redemption.
Redemption = deliverance.
For whatever reason, I never thought redemption would hurt. Redeem… it reverberates a sense of gentle restoration. Ive never fully understood what the word meant though until God placed me in the middle of this lesson about redemption. Being redeemed hurts. God allows us to feel the weight of what he is choosing to redeem us from so that we will understand how deep His love and how great the sacrifice was that He made for us. My overconfidence in my personal ability to achieve having myself fully funded for this trip seemed small compared to other struggles that I have. But clearly, this must be something extremely important and deeply rooted flaw that God has revealed to me needs to be stripped from my heart. Isnt that crazy? The thing that seems almost invisible and unimportant can be what God chooses to redeem you from. It makes me realize the weight of what Jesus did for us when He chose to bear our sin, selfishness, and self reliant messiness on the cross. If redemption from my smallest imperfect feels so heavy and hurts so much, think of all the sins we feel are of greater magnitude must break our Fathers heart. I think He is looking out for me by letting me struggle and feel the heaviness of trying to do things on my own without His help because without Him I am nothing and I have nothing.
I knew that this journey would change the lives of other, but it really didn’t sink in that this journey would change my heart even before I left the country!
Im a broken person. I am a mess. Trying to do this on my own without letting my Father lead me is useless. I have gotten completely frustrated at the fact that I may not be where I want to be in fundraising or that I don’t feel like I am reaching enough people, but could God possibly be holding off on donors and financial support because I need to be stripped of my pride and self reliance? Today, I have recognized, by the grace of God, that He is in control of funding this trip. He was in control when He opened doors for me to be accepted, to open up a time frame where I could leave my job. He is in control of EVERY little detail of my life. When I choose to be frustrated and angry because things arent going MY way or how I think they should go that is choosing to not trust the God of the universe in providing and showing me with more love and blessings than I could ever imagine. When I choose to ask God why instead of what He wants to teach me, I am pushing aside an opportunity to grow my heart closer to Love, closer to God Himself.
I know God loves me when He allows me to feel what it is like to live without letting Him be in control, because it makes what He did, His Redemption, that much more powerful.
In the midst of my struggle and frustration, God even encourages us to allow Him to work no matter what emotions, feelings, or trials come our way. And He did this for me when He lead me to
Psalms 61:2 – When my heart is weak and I am overwhelmed I will cry out to You from the very ends of the earth. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
This is the song of my heart as I continue of this journey. I must be lead by what He did for me on the cross.
When I gave my life to follow Christ, I handed over the reins in surrender of everything I have to offer this world. I am nothing but a grain of sand on my own, but with Christ ANYTHING is possible.
In conclusion on my lesson in redemption, on the record, if I fail its because I let my self reliance take over, and if I succeed its because The Rock that is higher than I has so graciously blessed me in being used as a light in His Kingdom work.
Realizing that we can move mountains and part seas when we choose to let God take the reins in our life is much more exciting than watching doors close because we choose to be self reliant on our own abilities.
As I continue on this life changing journey, please consider adding me to your prayer list. Although its important to raise funds, its not as important as raising a team of prayer warriors to pray for me as God prepares and transforms my heart so that I will be ready to go and share the good news with others.
Thank you for sharing my triumphs AND struggles,
Love always,
Melissa
