I keep asking myself why I feel so out of place in this world after only a WEEK of training.
I keep asking myself what that sinking feeling is in the pit of my stomach.
I keep telling myself I’m fine.
I keep wasting away the days reading fiction books, watching movies, sleeping too long and shopping. All things that allow you to tune out your thoughts and the reality of life. Things that used to satisfy my emptiness inside and the hole in the middle of my chest.
But not today. I’m not okay.
Training camp stirred up something inside of me. Something that doesn’t just demand to be heard, but noticed and acted upon.
Change has to start now. It doesn’t wait till I get on the plane to India. It doesn’t wait till I’m comfortable and want to face it.
I believe that once you are aware of, and fully understand the power and majesty of, God its not a matter of comprehension holding you back from making a decision anymore. It’s now a matter of the will. A mere choice to do what He asks you to do. A choice which has consequences that you fully comprehend .
I signed up for the world race thinking I understood the weight of what God was asking of me. But, He really hadn’t revealed it all to me yet. Because if He had, I would have backed out knowing it was too much. I was initially excited. It was an easy decision to sign up for an amazing trip where you traveled all around the globe changing lives and doing something good for the world. I think why I feel so uneasy and distraught is because I know the path now that God is asking me to take. It’s not a year long leisurely backpacking trip to tour Asia. It’s not an opportunity to take professional photos of dirty hungry children to post on my Facebook wall. It’s not a chance to wear the cutest clothes and shop the numerous markets for trinkets and souvenirs to say I’d traveled to 11 countries.
I did not choose this to better myself, God invited me to join Him and He gave me a choice.
Saying yes was the easy part.
I’m still trying to compromise how many pairs of clothes I take and making sure everything matches. Still spending useless money on popcorn and chocolate even after i KNOW I can survive on a third of the food I used to and in fact be more satisfied with less. I take a shower every day knowing and understanding that people don’t even have water to drink as clean as my continuous stream of water I stand under for a 30 minute rinse. Mostly it’s out of habit, but it’s all tearing me apart inside.
I feel stuck between two worlds. Feel torn at the core.
I’ve experienced God is such a real way that my passiveness to His call is making me physically sick. So how do I fix that pit in the middle of my stomach and the nervousness I have as I walk in the a store to purchase unnecessary and USELESS items? I must bow to Him and let Him be all I need. It’s easy to continue to live in indulgence when it’s still readily available. It’s easy to say, ” well, I’m NOT the one living in Mongolia with one pair of shoes with holes in them and only a handful of rice each day”. It’s hard to deny yourself the pleasures of this life when you’re privileged enough to have the money to overindulge. But I think I know that He is asking me to follow Him in whatever “world” I’m in. To live with what I need and nothing more. To allow myself to experience materialistic poverty to understand how full and satisfied I can be by relying on His love and graciousness. These “things” are only keeping me from His blessings.
It’s not a matter of comprehending why I should give up all I have. Now it’s a matter of will and a mere choice. No one said following Jesus was easy, in fact the I beg to differ that every decision I have to make has become much more difficult after becoming a follower of Christ because it has real meaning and depth and consequences. But, my heart is for Him. And my foundation, if I want it firm on the rock, must be chiseled and molded to fit the house He wants to build to reside in. And as I write this I am declaring to no longer be a woman of words but of faith that has feet and uses her feet to move when He says move and lie down when He says rest and run when He says run and sacrifice and leave behind at the whisper of His voice.
It’s sure surprising what a week with a group of Jesus followers in the woods of Georgia does to a person’s identity. Or should I say a week of dancing hand in hand with the Father as He whispered the call He has on my life. I can no longer live the way I’ve been living. It’s time to stand up on my two feet in the Father’s strength and lay down all worthless things that keep me from swaying back and forth on the dance floor with my Daddy.
