It is easy to start looking at your runners, and yourloose jeans, your well worn T-shirts etc, and feel frumpy and out of theloop. It is easy to look at all thetall, extremely thin woman with the high heels and Gucci, and feel suddenlyvery aware of every pound, every wrinkle. It is every woman’s battle in some way or the other. We have been conditioned again and again bythe world’s “image” of beauty.
I had spent many years wrestling with self worth andimage. I bought into the designer logosand the need for the perfect body. Ispent years struggling with eating disorders all to fit in to what I thought Ineeded to be. I felt good when someonecomplimented me on what I was wearing. It was like they were noticing all the time, energy and more I hadinvested for the sake of their approval. I walk around Lugansk and my heart breaks wondering how much of thesegirls time goes into impressing others with their looks.
The ironic thing is how beauty is viewed. I spent all that time putting effort intomaking the outside shine, but how much time did I spend working on theinside? The more I invested in lookinggood on the outside, the worse I became on the inside. I became self absorbed. And asyou put on the mask that makes you feel pretty without cleaning up the messthat is inside, the more self absorbed and inner focused you can become. I had been dealing with making the inner mebeautiful long before the race began, but it has taken me this year to facesome very real facts about who I am and to finally allow the kind of love in mylife that can speak truth.
You know I couldn’t see it when people would say howselfish I was being. I would quicklythink of all the selfless things I had done and try to justify my actions andsay that sometimes it needed to be about me and what I wanted. It was like I had a right to be selfish,because I was so selfless. Wow, was Iself righteous. Unfortunately societysays “It is all about me” and they even sell the T-shirt.
Sometimes stepping outside of one’s comfort and day today routine and away from all the people who know you can be exactly what youneed to finally see inside who you are. 5 complete strangers from all over the USA became my new team mates, andthen my friends, and finally my family. It took these 5 people to really kick the crap out of me. They said some hard things to me this year,things maybe others had tried to say, or maybe others didn’t want to hurt me bysaying. And by the grace of God, I wasready and willing to hear it.
As I reflect on a year of my life, a year that was inno way just a trip, or a glorified vacation, I am humbled by how much more Godhas ripped me apart and placed his heart inside me. I am amazed that I do not feel out of placein a room full of high heels and shiny things. I am amazed that serving others brings me joy, because God is seen throughwhat I do, and that is all I really want. I am amazed that I love people without motives, even when there isnothing in it for me. I am amazed that Ishare a 3 bedroom, one bathroom apartment with 12 very different people, withdifferent schedules, habits, likes and dislikes and I love it and will miss itextremely.
I am cominghome different, and I don’t know how that will translate into my everyday. I can tell you that I amthankful. I am thankful for grace andgrace in the abundance. I am thankfulfor honesty. I am thankful forfriendships that taught me how to better love and serve the friends awaiting myreturn. I am thankful that I know Godhas made me into a more loving sister, daughter, friend, co worker etc. I didn’t do this. It is not all about me. God did this. He started with you at home, planting the seeds, and then used my WRfamily and 100’s of others to water those seeds. And there has been growth. Plenty of growth.
