Overwhelmation – The intensity of having too many emotions, and experiences in a brief amount of time, that leave one unable to do and say anything that makes any sense.
It was the “non” word that burst out of my roommate Kristens mouth, to explain how she felt after her first experience in Africa. And while technically that word does not exist, let me tell you spend a month in Africa and it will.
It is now Tuesday and our team is still in wait mode. As we have learned in Africa “hurry up and wait” is the norm. As much as you can expect a thing to happen, know that it most likely won’t happen or it will be canceled then back on and you have no idea. All through the month we would be told that we were going to preach at a school the next day for example and within 5 seconds the text would come saying plans had changed. You had to be ready for anything at anytime and take it all in stride. The only thing in Africa you can predict is its unpredictability.
Now we find ourselves waiting again. We are hoping to head out to Malawi with Tikvah and Indelible and spend a month with them. That is the plan and we are working out ways to get there, and looking forward to getting going.
Now usually I am a patient person, and I can handle waiting for the next step. In fact some may think me as indifferent or not caring during the wait because I really am so relaxed, but not this time, in fact the faster I can leave South Africa the better. Why? Because I don’t want to leave. The very thought of leaving has me wrecked. It was the best, and the hardest month for me so far. It is the month of some of the biggest trails I have faced, and the month where God did mighty miracles in my life. I feel like this month was the climax of all months. It was the peek. It is one of those moments, where you know that Malawi and ATL in Africa are going to be great and your excited for 4 more countries and 4 more months, but at the same time your frustrated that yet again its time to go, you have to say goodbye so you prepare your heart for the loss you will feel, you lay it down and you finally feel like, “okay God I am ready to leave,” and then you stay.
Right now I feel kind of numb. I have gotten to the point almost where so much of my heart has been poured out that I am not sure I have much left to give. My friend told me that both the greatest thing about me and the worst thing about me would be my heart and the love that I have in it. She said it would both bless me and wreck me and I would be broken over and over again for the souls I encounter. She was right. I am at a place where I feel completely drained and really at any point of the day ready to cry and I have. Missing alone time, my own space, a paycheck even, and privacy to just have a skype call with my boyfriend to discuss more than our days. It has made me to the point of being almost ready to go home. 6 months of constant travel, change, joys, and sorrows is really good. I did what I needed to do, ready to head home.
But who am I kidding, of course I am not done. I love the World Race. I love my squad. I love, love, love my team. I also know that God will give me more than enough and my heart always has more to give. I know that I am not unique. Most people have there melt down around month 5 and 6. This is mine and I share it with you so you can pray for me. I am going to love Malawi, you know it and I know it. I am going to love ATL and the 3 European countries yet to come. I am so thankful for the invitation God gave me to serve Him fully for a year of my life, doing nothing but ministry, community life and personal growth…. But if I am not real about the times where I am down right tired, emotionally drained, and completely wrecked for a country and its people, then your only getting the PG version of the story. And while overwhelmation may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning.
