Here I am. These are three simple words to say. Easy to pronouce, not hard to forget, and yet somehow lately when God has been calling me, my response has been anything other, that “Here I am.” If you know me well, you know that I am usually the girl that is routing for you, and trying to pump up your faith. Trouble is I haven’t stopped lately to ask, how is my own faith doing?
To keep you updated on me, I am working three jobs, managing a Sunday School class, do fundraising and send emails like mad, go to 3 services a week, do a course on Sundays and my latest venture is watching my Pastors children for two weeks. I have paper work that is piling up, stress that contracts are ending and I fell on the ice and have spent a week in major repair for pulled muscles and various other aches and pains. If you feel sorry for me, don’t. I have made myself too busy. Too busy for fellowship. Too busy for me time. Too busy for God.
I am at the end of my rope. This is good news. I now have nothing left to hold on to. “I am letting go.” My friend preached tonight about casting aside your net. He talked about when Jesus called the disciples. He said “follow me.” They did. No questions asked, no give me a sec. They just went. This week I am learning that not only did I not cast aside my nets, I am hopelessly tangled up in it as well. I was tangled so far up in doubt and fear this last month. I have been dealing with a lonely heart and feeling so disconnected from the people I love and care about. But today is a new day. I am tired of standing still. It is time to get a move on and leave the junk behind me.
I am casting aside doubt, I am casting aside fear, I am casting aside all things that keep me trying to hold on to my rope. I want to be holding on to Jesus. I want to be the one that cries out “Here I am God. Here I am despite my circumstance. Here I am, despite my schedule. Here I am despite my flesh. Here I am.” I want that kind of blind faith and obedience. My heart longs and yearns for you Lord. You know, revelation is a beautiful thing. Praise God! I feel like I have been shook to my very core. To quote Lisa Bevere, “I want to be out of control and loving it.”
