I feel like God is calling me into some dependency on Him. Obviously He thinks I can´t handle this thing on my own. What a crazy notion.
He´s right though. I´m fallig apart at the seams nearly every chance I get. I almost cried in the line at the hot dog stand because I felt so overwhelmed by what God is asking of me. I feel overwhelmed by His bigness and my littleness and how we´re supposed to get along when I´m one person on one of the many planets he made. This is Horton Hears a Who to the billionth degree.
How does he even see me? Better yet, how does he even manage to get on my level and call me into something deeper, something more meaningful? Amidst all of the earth´s turmoil and suffering he still beckons me to come to a fuller understanding of him, that through our relationship I might be His hands and feet to help ease some of the suffering in the world. With so many pieces in play, it´s more complicated than any algebra equation I ever tried to solve but he provides the solution so seamlessly.
A few weeks ago, during debrief in Granada, I was confronted with the idea of possibly fasting to clear some distractions from my life. I did it and instantly felt that maybe God would have me fast again in the near future. So I did it last week Tuesday. I didn´t eat or drink anything besides water and I didn´t speak (except for accidently saying ¨No!¨once on our worksite). And I had some major personal revelations that day, but I didn´t love it. By 6pm I wanted nothing more than to sink my teeth into something besides raw air. I even wrote a list in my journal to God about all of the things I wished I was eating in that moment. Ultimately, with my teeth gritted, I decided that he was more important, perhaps narrowly, but still, more important.
And on Monday night I felt the similar urge rise up in me once again. But I really didn´t want to. And I told my friend that I would ¨wake up and see how I [felt] about it¨. Feelings shouldn´t dictate much of anything, including whether or not one should fast. But that night I had kind of written it off. I had decided, although not cemented it so that God would find out, that I was not going to fast the next day. As I lay my head down for the night, I had a perplexing thought zip through my body.
Where´s my iPod?
I like to keep things fairly orderly in my tent and my iPod usually sits on top of my Bible which sits on top of my journal right next to my sleeping pad. It wasn´t there. In fact, I knew I had no idea where it was but at the same time didn´t remember why I would have put it in a place other than its regular resting spot.
At that moment God informed me that while I may have chosen to avoid fasting from speaking and eating, I woud indeed be fasting the next day. Oh, oops. I didn´t mean for you to know that God. I was going to tell you in the morning.
I knew that He had been calling me to depend on him more, for the challenges in the future would be beyond my reach and I would be in need of Him, but I didn´t realize He was going to get so involved. So I went to sleep and when I woke up I submitted to His authority, as well as made the request that I would please like my iPod returned to me when this little experiment was over. In all honesty, I was fairly confident that no matter how hard I searched (and I did), I would not find my iPod that day. But I did believe I would see it again.
I refrained from asking others to look for it. I knew that it was pointless. And I was content, even kind of giddy at the whole situation. God was doing something weirdly personal in my life!
So at the end of the day, when I crept back into my tent at 11:57pm, I reached to grab my fleece jacket from off my sleeping pad and tucked underneath it was nothing other than my iPod, safely sitting and waiting for me to use it. I nearly lept out of my tent. You see, it´s not hard for God to do something like hide an iPod and then bring it back, but it is invasive in the coolest of ways. The maker of the night sky is trying to get a hold of me, trying to draw me in. And I gotta say that I´m in awe of that. The same God of Abraham and Mary and Elijah and all of the other characters in those crazy Bible stories is the same God that lives in me. He took something away so that I would have to seek Him out, and then He brought it back because He is a good Father.
Dig in, kids. To whatever He´s called you or whatever He´s trying to show you, dig right in. He´s going to mak it worth your while.
