A sort of letter to my squadmateys.
This World Race business has been hard. And I haven't even left the motherland yet.
I'm not talking small potatoes, people, I'm talking make-me-reevaluate-my-adequacy-as-a-Christian potatoes. [Turns out, I’m not adequate, Jesus is.] More specifically, I've found myself continually comparing my journey with that of my squadmates.
Oh you're already fully funded?! THATMUSTBEFANTASTIC. All of your gear was donated by some distant relative from Ireland? THATMUSTBEFANTASTIC. Your fundraising campaigns always succeed by some miraculous intervention? THATMUSTBEFANTASTIC.
The truth is, none of these scenarios should bother me. They should delight me. If every one of my squadmates was fully funded there would be no good reason why I shouldn’t be elated for them! There is nothing that should hinder my joy for them! Unfortunately, because of some insecurities about my place and purpose on this squad, I've been silently resenting some accomplishments of God. How brutal is that? Seeing the plans of God come to fruition [aka your trip coming to life] has (at times) brought me more envy than joy. There's something wrong with this picture! My mission is to free people by Jesus. M squad is fulfilling that mission by getting closer and closer to being on The Race. So the only reason why I might be less than enthusiastic for them is because of [oh no, here it goes] selfishness.
Selfishness is a pretty, dreamy picture of how I specifically work for the Kingdom of God. And as much as part of me doesn’t want to, I’ve got to throw that picture in the fire because it doesn’t really exist. I don’t rescue the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom of God is the life-saver. I just throw it out to the person in need. And if I’m getting that confused then I need to take a step back and re-learn some fundamental truths about lifesaving. So I’m hoping that this honest confession is step one in the shedding of my skin of selfish ambition. I want to see you (squadmates, everyone) flourish in God’s work and I want to see it with open eyes! I want to love you and root for you! I can’t do that if I’m pouting in a corner.
Some of my fellow squadmates are fierce at fundraising. MACHINES! (And by that I mean Godly, godly robots). I'm floored by it. God's totally providing for you in some crazy ways! And this is me saying that I’m PUMPED FOR YOU. I want to be pumped for you and I’m asking God that I might be giving you virtual high-fives on the daily.
I am officially letting go of trying to make my relationship with God something that it's not. I've been trying to sneak onto your journey with God and he keeps reminding me that I already have one of my own! I’m finding it very easy (with such a great group of folks) to become envious of what’s going on spiritually, financially, relationally with you guys. But I will not and cannot have the same experience as you. Amen. No one can. You're going to have a beautiful journey and I can't wait to watch it unfold but I need to stop holding the mirror up to your relationship and trying to re-enact it. I might get fully funded; I might have to borrow money from my parents. Either way, I’m so in awe of all of the sculpting that’s going to happen in my heart from here to the ends of the earth. And I hang on to the truth that God knit us intricately and uniquely, that when I say “Backpacks!” my heart swells because it means that He and I are walking together, side by side. Field and forrest. Desert and harvest.
“Your story is not my story.”
Thank God for that kind of freedom.
