I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
I really wanted to be squad leader.
For those of you on the Race, you're shocked at my audacity to dream so outlandishly. For those of you living normal lives, you aren't sure what that means. Squad leaders are raised up during the fourth month of the Race to be overseers of the spiritual growth and general well-being of the squad as a whole.
The point is that, while realizing that I'm super unqualified for something of that magnitude I really thought it might be what I was supposed to do. In Nicaragua God told me that I was in my "Moses moment" and naturally, i did just a few small mathematical steps to come to a logical intepretation of that. If this is my Moses moment and Moses led the Israelites (a large group of people) out of Egypt (or you know, some other country) then that must mean that I'm going to SQUAD LEAD these people out of every "Egypt" on this trip!
It was my dream. I found myself trying to measure up to what a squad leader would say or do. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be "spiritual enough", to be frankly just enough to make the cut. I wanted it so badly because I really felt that I could serve the squad well if given the opportunity. I heard God ask me "Will you steward them well?" YES, GOD I WOULD. GIVE ME THEM.
And then the call came in. Not only would I not be chosen, but my former team leader would be leaving early to train with her new team of squad leaders.
What to do in that moment…
I had to squelch my desire to show my disappointment. Wasn't that supposed to be me? I have to admit that as I was sitting at that cement table with my team and some leftover rice crumbs that a part of me really thought that that call was going to be for me. Maybe that was crazy of me, but all of my internal fingers were crossed. But in a matter of seconds the dream vanished. And I was left feeling a little confused, maybe even abandoned.
But I thought you said…?
He did. You see, I looked up at the stars that night and I remembered something. He's the God of physics and orchestration and beauty and growth and when I see that the planets, the burning balls of light, are hanging in the perfect balance (not to mention absolutely gorgeous to look at), it reminds me that there's no way he doesn't have control of what's going on in my life. There's no way that he didn't plan it to be this way because if he can do the whole galaxy thing, then my life is CAKE for him. An honest to goodness slice of cake. Delicious and maybe a little messy but nothing he can't handle. It's not too much for him.
But I thought this was my Moses moment?
It is. I don't need a title to lead people. I don't need to have a staff in hand to see people in their own personal slavery and say "Hey, let's go find the Promised Land. It's waiting for you." That's in my unspoken job description and I don't need, and neither do you, a name across your chest to look people in their eyes, sit them on their bed, listen to their story and take their hand.
So when I looked at the stars it was a Promised Land moment for me. Squad leading, titles, needing a role to feel like I have purpose: those were my Egypt. And God said, "Be free." Free to love, to fight for others, to remove the chains. There's nothing I could have done better or different to prove myself worthy of squad leading. It's more magical for me this way, the freedom of it. It becomes a choice, not a responsibility.
If there's a title you feel like you need in order for you to accomplish something for the Kingdom, write that title down on a piece of paper, crumple it up and throw it in the trash. You may not be a squad leader, but you are a leader. You are a Kingdom dweller and a Kingdom bringer. That's all the title you'll ever need.
