Is it crazy that I am so THANKFUL that all of this has happened?
I know…I sound completely nuts, but this was exactly what I NEEDED.
Please don’t misinterpret my words, I don’t believe that God made me stumble, so that I can learn some important lessons. Like I said…this is a “Job” season. He allowed the temptation to happen because He knew I would give in to it (which opens my eyes to areas in my life that still need light and still need healing).
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As the loving Father that He is, He would use this to bring good into my life, and a better undertsanding of who He is. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
Which is the point, isn’t it? Isn’t the whole purpose of our existence to KNOW our Father…our Creator, and thanks to Jesus Christ we have a second chance at that. We now have a way where there wasn’t a way before. Because of what He has done….Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:16
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What I have experienced in the last couple of months, was what I needed to slap me off of my high horse. To show me that He is perfection…..I am not. The “religiousness” in me was having an upper hand, and I was striving for perfection. I was so concerned about how other people saw me, because I have been a missionary for 4 years, and I didn’t want to let God down. I had to make sure that I was being a living testimony to Him, but I was doing it all in my own strength.
I realized that even when I never opened my mouth about Him, or acted the way “a good missionary” should, He was still working through me because I carry His Spirit. People were still telling me that I ignited their passion for God, and that I changed lives because I was in a certain place. How is that possible? I didn’t even open my mouth or lift a finger! I realized it really is ALL Him and ALL for His glory. I am just a vessel…a tool that He chooses to use and to bless.
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Recently, I feel like I have let God down in the biggest way possible, and you know what…He didn’t care! He didn’t see any of that behavior…..He saw ME….He saw His Beloved child, one that He still says He is proud of. Although on paper…I feel He should have been disgraced of me. He wouldn’t allow guilt and shame to wreak havoc on me. He stood right by my side through all of this, holding my hand, and I could literally feel His presence. When He says….Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6…He means it!
I have heard of His grace before, but like Job, this time I could actually feel it washing over me. I could actually taste the sweetness of it, and know that He is good.
My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Job 42:5
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When I should have been punished and shunned in the streets, instead I could see myself as a little child…stumbling-getting dirty-scratching up my knee, and ripping my dress. I could see Him so lovingly, picking me up-dusting me off- and standing me to feet. No punishment, no disappointed look….just LOVE.
That LOVE makes me want to keep my eyes on Him, that LOVE makes me want to no longer mingle with wolves, and that LOVE makes me want to follow my Shepherd.
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