This blog is another one that is more of a journal entry than anything, actually, I had it written in my journal before it got out here to you all! But it really is just something I wanted to share because I know I’m not alone. If you haven’t noticed by previous blogs, I’m not usually one to sugar coat things. It’s not because I’m naive, it’s not because I think I have some sort of obligation to share everything I do and go through; I share the real and raw, and often hard because I’m not the only one. I strive to make my blog a platform that not only shows people what I’m doing while I’m on my Race but leaves people thinking, that draws people to the Lord, challenges their habits, says that they are not alone, empowers others to use their voice, and that gives people permission to walk into the freedom that the Lord offers because I am a testimate that it’s possible. My Race is wonderful but it’s not all glamorous and I never want anyone to think it is. It’s real life, and real life is hard. Even in the of hard, there is beauty, that’s what I hope to give you a glimpse of.
This blog is about mindset, it’s about acknowledging the lies and insecurites that I wrestle daily, and the truths of the Lord that combat them. I know that the Lord is more powerful than the lies of the Enemy. Some days it takes speaking them out loud in order to actually begin to believe them and some days the Lord’s sweet whispers of truth fight the good fight for me and it seems easy. Either way it’s real, we each live with the Enemy constantly trying to gain ground in our life, but we have permission to stand in the victory of Christ.
I find it really hard to trust people. I’m scared to use my words because they might hurt someone and because they are often not enough. My biggest longing is to be understood, and often I seek others to fulfill that. I’m too stubborn for my own good. I feel a lot of things and often my emotions are overwhelming. I struggle to believe I’m worth other people’s time or love so I try to push them away. Being vulnerable makes me want to throw up and often I walk away wishing I hadn’t spoken at all. It’s hard for me to feel like I belong and I struggle with being too much and not enough- sometimes both at the same time. My capacity to empathize often feels like a vice not a gift and I tend to feel too needy and dependent on others. I like to try to carry the weight of the world on my own.
But I know my Fathers voice. I know He has created me just as I am for great and mighty things. I’m good at listening to others and using my empathy to be a safe place for others. I have perspective that others don’t always see and I’m learning to communicate that well. I’m in tune with my emotions even if they are expressed just between me and the Lord. My abstract way of thinking makes me creative and good at understanding big ideas. I have drive and ambition and am always striving for the best I can be. I’ve learned from both my successes and my failures and am better because of them. I find unique ways to express myself and I love to make people laugh. I live authentically and love others in the way they feel loved. My confidence comes from the Lord and He is my strength. I have an eye to see beauty in even the small, messy, or hard things and the Lord has gifted me with a tremendous spirit of joy.
This next piece is my creed. A teammate showed me his before the Race and I have since written my own. I use it as a reminder of the Lord’s truth and as a weapon against the Enemy, and I keep it both on my phone and in my journal.
I am Melanie Ann Lender
I am a Child of God
I am enough
I am perfectly and wonderfully made
I am worthy of love
I am protected
I am a temple for the Most High King
And a dwelling place of the Holy Spirit
I know my Father’s voice
I am His beloved
I am a coheir with Christ
I rejoice in the spirit of joy
I have a purpose
I am capable of fulfilling that purpose
I am a fighter
I am healed
I am free
I, Melanie Ann Lender, know who I am:
I am a Child of God
