Our first month here in Peru was “manisitry” which means that the 3 co-ed teams get split up; the men all go do ministry together and the woman of the co-ed teams all make a mega team too. The month was different than most and proved to be a massive swirl of triggers in what feels like every single one of my insecurities; here’s a glimpse of my thoughts on the daily:
The men on my team, right before we split for the month, told us that after praying, would not be in contact with us woman the whole month as well as really not having wifi or using social media. Logically in my head I knew this was going to be so good for them and such a place of growth for them. My insecurities said something a little different though, it sounded more like, Even though you have chosen into these three teammates so much and have fought alongside them and grown with them and given them so much trust and vulnerability, you don’t mean enough to them for them to stay in contact with you. You are too much for them, yet not enough to fight for. The hurt was there yet I couldn’t quite put it into words. Things didn’t get easier as my squad leader was on vacation for the first week of ministry, She needs to rest away from you because you drain her, you must not be loving her the way she needs to be loved. And quickly after coming back she, along with our leadership team, had evaluated our team and decided she needed to take a step back in the way she was leading, You are too much for her to deal with or lead. What hit next was a teammate contemplating going home, You haven’t done enough for her, you should’ve given her more. Intermingled within it all were moments of simply feeling plowed over- having tears swelling in my eyes and still being told I needed to do ministry when another one of my teammates had the day to rest and process, You aren’t seen and you aren’t being cared for… no one cares, suck it up and be the strong one. Trying to manage the money for a team of 10 and still hearing passive comments on not having the food people want, Why can’t you get it right, people aren’t happy and you should be doing something to fix it. Receiving a text from a loved one at home that says, “I need you” while fighting a nasty case of food poisoning, You aren’t there when people need you, you’re letting them down. Teammates walking into a room where I was sitting in tears, grabbing what they need and not saying a thing, You’re problems are too big and you’re being dramatic.
All of these thoughts were an attack and I knew they had to be coming from something, so digging in here’s what I found:
I have a problem receiving grace from other people.
I strive to be loved and to see the love that other people have for me.
I fear abandonment, rejection, and failure.
I never feel that I’m enough and I try to be more, often overextending myself.
I never want fabricated love, and as a result, often question people’s motives.
But still everything didn’t quite add up, it wasn’t until the very end of the month that I was finally able to recognize where the root of it all was, “I hurt people.” This was the vow and belief that I held from a past relationship in my life. I knew it to be true because I had seen it happen. I watched the words that came out of my mouth cripple someone, make someone question their life and worth in the most extreme extent possible. I have the power to hurt people. All I wanted was to show someone love and with the most pure and genuine intentions I hurt them instead. I realized the power I held, the power that people could give me even without realizing it. When you let someone in, when you give someone permission to love you, you also give them power and permission to hurt you. After I realized this I refused to allow people to give me that power, I shut it down.
After a little longer, I battled it head on with the Lord’s guidance and grew some. It turned into knowing the power I held when I was given the power to love someone but to only allow myself to love those that I, in my own head, decided understood the reality of what could happen if there was mutual love and trust. And those who I deemed unable to understand it, were too naive and innocent, so I didn’t let them in. I couldn’t give them my trust or vulnerability. I could hold theirs, I could listen, I could be present, but my words, feelings or emotions were strictly off limits.
Now here I am. I recognize the things, I see it, but where do I go? Well ghe Lord has commanded me to chase it. Chase the messy, chase the hurt, chase the brokness, fight for those that I’ve decided don’t deserve my fight, be vulnerable, share my story, share my heart, allow it to be shared without wrapping it in a pretty bow and setting it on a silver platter. Because that’s real. That’s actually Melanie. That’s walking with the Lord and where he calls me. He asks me to continuously step out of the boat, the water isn’t something solid I can put a name to, but rather it means being so intune with His voice that when he asks me to speak I can’t help but speak, when he asks me to be messy, I present myself messy and real and raw. It’s a journey that is far from finished and that has such a twisted path I can’t really see where it takes me. Messy and scary- but worth it. I know it will be worth it. I know that there is more freedom and more redemption coming and for that I will keep fighting the beliefs in my head. I know that the Lord’s truths will forever be a firmer foundation than the truths I’ve created.
