The Training Camp post
It’s officially been a really long time since training camp! To sum it up training camp was awesome, my squad is awesome, my team is awesome, being in community is (can you guess?) AWESOME! In a span of 10 what you think would be short days was long, hot, and hard days. I thrived but struggled. I have had a really hard time trying to figure out how I was going to put 10 days, and 30 pages from my journal into one little blog post. After much thinking and some help from Beth, my mobilizer (shoutout Beth she’s awesome), I decided to just narrow down training camp into the biggest things I learned. Such a simple concept!
A little bit about me is I am a 2 on the enneagram, which means I am a helper. I want people to want me and need me so I have become a really big people pleaser over time. I have really struggled with having this perfect image when it came to being a Christian. I felt like there were these hidden rules that you pretty much have to have quiet times everyday, know everything about the bible, and never mess up: and what do you know! I do not check off any of those things. Because of this, training camp I really struggled on not feeling qualified to do the Race. I wanted to, but I just had a lot of self-doubt. Not feeling like I was going to be much help with my team over the course of the 9 months.
I got in my own head badly. I just thought for the first couple of days that I sucked for the most part. I felt so unqualified, and like a fraud. I felt like everyone had their stuff together, except me. I felt like since I have never read the whole bible I don’t know the classic well known stories, that I was too dumb. I felt like I had been a partier in high school that I didn’t deserve to be able to do the World Race. I felt like I was incapable to do anything to benefit anyone on my squad. I felt like I was so imperfect that I couldn’t talk to God and come to Him with all these doubts. I felt so trapped.I have had such a tendency to let the enemy in and let him tell me that his LIES were true when in reality, as May would say, those are straight up freaking LIES. It was a hard truth I was trying to grasp. Yeah you can tell me I don’t have to be perfect to have Gods love, but when I have spent the past 18 years of my life trying to seem perfect to others it felt weird to not do the same with God. One evening I sat down with my squad mentor, Madie, and just cried about all of the things I had been feeling. I felt like I was just sitting there with these chains that are unbuckled but I can’t seem to get them off. She prayed for me and advised me to write a list of the things the enemy tells me that I am not and refute them with what the father says TRUE. A few days later after a topic of forgiveness that just tore my heart up I decided to do this. I had just been told that it is ok to forgive myself & I wrote in my journal
“I’m forgiving myself for all the shame I’ve allowed myself to believe. It wasn’t the Lord convicting me spiritually. It was the shame the enemy was trying to make me feel.”
It was a really hard concept for me to grasp that I was allowed to forgive myself. After that I went and grabbed my journal and started to write all the things I felt like the enemy was telling me.
-I am not enough
-I am not worthy
-I am not beautiful
-I am not smart enough
-I am not lovable
-I am not capable of doing things
-I’m trapped
-I have chains that can’t be released
-I’m not capable of being forgiven
9 lies. 9 little lies from the enemy that I was trying to dictate my whole life on. So then I went to the things that God tells me is TRUE.
-I am enough (1 John 3:1)
-I am worthy (Galatians 2:20)
-I am beautiful (Psalm 139:14)
-I am smart (Daniel 5:14)
-I am lovable (1 John 4:10)
-I am capable
-I don’t have chains (Isaiah 41:10)
-I can and will always be forgiven (1 John 1:9)(Ephesians 1:7)
I felt so much relief when I finished my page and stared at it. There is so much truth in what the Lord tells us and we can find that in His word. The bible is the truth and the word, and points us back to what God says every time. The enemy just says LIES in the moment to make us feel that, and then it’s our choice whether we believe it or not. I decided to write verses where I wrote who the Lord tells me I am because if I can back it up with Gods word himself then why even take a second to even let the enemy get close.
Yes I will still definitely struggle with self-doubt and trying to keep this perfect image for God. However, ever since I wrote that page I have this newfound confidence in myself, which can only come from God. I feel confident on what the Lord is teaching me throughout these stages. I am a daughter who comes from the most-high king and honestly I don’t know anything that could make me feel better and happier with where I am. I didn’t grow up in a household where I went to church every Sunday, where I went to vacation bible school, where I learned bible stories, where I have this vast knowledge on all things Christianity, which is okay. Yeah, I definitely look at other people who did and are in utter awe with the knowledge they know. However, I look at myself with that same utter awe because I will have that knowledge, and I will acquire that childlike faith in the Lord. For now though, I am in a phase of figuring these things out and asking God hard questions about what the Bible really says. I always felt like I couldn’t ask God any questions about what the bible is saying because it was meant for me to find out this underlying deep message on my own. It is fun having this relationship with God where I am starting to not be afraid of wanting to know what more He is capable of. My relationship with the Lord is something I shouldn’t of felt ashamed of with Him. Now though I feel excited and empowered. Thanks God for letting me use the courage and boldness you have given me to talk about things that are hard for me. I appreciate you God.
The picture is of my journal page that day. If you want to chat with me more about the things written on this page I would love to. Thank you guys always for reading. Catch y’all in the next one!
Love always,
Mel
