Hello everyone! Been a while since I’ve made a blog post, Happy New Year!! 2019 is a super big year for me for 3 reasons. I turn 18 this month, I graduate high school, and I go on the World Race!!! 2018 wasn’t the worst year but it definitely wasn’t the best. I think most years’ feel like that, but I have a really good feeling about this year. I definitely think I have been hyping up a new year because it gives us a chance to be able to have a reason to “start over” in a sense. “New year, new me.” It’s something everyone does and makes resolutions to be able to keep that up. I am not bashing those people because that is most definitely the type of person I am, I mean heck I have my resolutions written on my wall so I will remember them and stick to them. I also believe I have been hyping up a new year so I can kind of get my life back on the right path.
Struggling. A word no one really likes to address or talk about. One of my biggest fears is struggling in my future. Not being able to be successful and provide for my family. It’s a word that has such a negative connotation. I think right now I am in the midst of a struggling season. I feel that most people would think since I am going on the World Race, I am a perfect Christian. Now if that is not more wrong then I don’t know what is. Not bashing myself, but no one is a perfect Christian. I just feel especially unworthy these past few months. In September I felt like I was in such a good relationship with God, and was prioritizing Him properly. I just felt super happy with where I was at. However, I’ve definitely been going off path. It starts with little things like dismissing having your quiet times. Once you do that one time it turns into two, then three, then next thing you know you can’t even remember the last time you had one. That sounds really bad but this is just myself being open and honest with you guys. I also have just been in a very selfish state of mind. I’ve been more aware of the negative things going on rather than finding the good. I haven’t been praying to God, I haven’t been prioritizing Him.
Everyone has a God sized hole in their heart and I have been feeling mine empty for a few months, and instead of filling it with Jesus, I’ve tried finding it in things like boys, school, body image, friends, and other things. My mindset hasn’t been focused on Jesus so I’ve felt a constant state of emptiness. I talk about the New Year because one of things I WILL do is put God first. That’s something everyone should do, but no one is perfect. I especially need that and realized it super recently.
Today I went to church by myself, something I love to do. I thoroughly get to sit and hear God, and feel his presence. Not saying I can’t do that when I am with friends but sometimes it’s nice to just have that time. We started a new series called “Not if, when trouble comes.” It’s about what to do when those times of struggling come, because it’s not a matter of if it will come, because it will, it’s when. How fitting for the stage of life I have felt recently! When we were doing worship, the music team decided to do just acoustic versions of songs because it was a busy holiday season and sometimes you just need to slow down. As the music started I just closed my eyes and let the presence of God fill my heart, something I haven’t been doing. Overwhelmed with how I’ve been living I just started crying. Tears of sadness, because how I’ve felt like an unworthy daughter to the King. During the sermon our pastor said something that I didn’t quite get. He said, “we can relate more to someone who has struggled.” I didn’t quite understand till later in the message he said this
“Suffering isn’t the exception to God’s love it is the expression of God’s love.”
Now if you think I didn’t start crying, you’re wrong, I did. Just these past few months I’ve been ashamed of how I was living my life that I felt I almost couldn’t come to God. I put off my times with him cause I thought I had already screwed up so why should I bother doing it today. I just felt unworthy. However, when our pastor said that sentence it reminded me of just how wrong I was. I was letting Satan control my mind, allowing him to fill my thoughts with such negative things and in this moment it was 110% wrong. I have never been unworthy, in God’s eyes He is right there encouraging me and pushing me to be better. He died on the cross because He loves me and He loves you. God struggled when He died on the cross. We can relate to God because He struggled. He struggled because He loves us. He died on that cross for us. I’ve never felt true love like that from anyone else. At the end of the service we did communion and the band came out for one more song before. They sung the song Beautiful Things. It starts like this
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change, at all
The song continues by saying how God makes all these beautiful things. There was a quote I heard when I was just starting my relationship with God, “There is beauty in all pain.” It applied to my life so perfectly in that moment, and it came to mind when the song started. This season of my life is actually a beautiful thing. It’s pushing me to grow, to hold myself accountable, to be more intentional, and to just fully live for God.
My season of struggling is when I needed God most, but I chose to just push myself away. I needed a new year to push me away from that mindset, to get back on track. I am so excited for this year and for all the opportunities I am getting. God is good and I am excited to share my life with you all!
Love always,
Melanie Wells
John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcame the world.”
