It’s been too long. Too long since I wrote a blog. Too long since I put these thoughts and feelings into words. But it’s been easier to just keep moving forward, easier to just put one foot in front of the other and move on, easier to live in each moment and forget about the confusion.
The last 2 weeks we spent in Nepal were wonderful and terrible. They were a blessing to the people we served, it was a blessing to be called by God to serve there during this time but it was also a time of confusion. My body was still reacting to the earthquake and the stress it caused and my mind was floating. I was experiencing things but still not quite understanding or taking in what I was doing. Even last night I panicked when a bus passed behind me on the street and violently shook the sidewalk I was standing on. My body went into survival mode and my heart jumped out of my chest. I never thought I would do that weeks after the earthquake. But it’s something you can’t control, there is nothing you can do about it. Your body is still on alert and there is really no way to make it go away any faster, you just have to learn to work through each moment in a healthy manner.
In those last few days in Nepal my stress was physical and I could continue to participate in ministry. I thank God that I could find strength in Him and that emotionally I was feeling pretty good. I knew that even if I had experienced this quake, I would be leaving, I would get to go home, I was there to help the people who have had their lives altered in dramatic ways. Their lives and their country have been changed drastically. I had a small amount of time to do what I could.
But it’s now that I’ve left Nepal that I think about this fact so strongly…I left because it was time for us to go but also because I COULD LEAVE. I could leave and move on with my life. I didn’t lose anything in Nepal. My life on the World Race is still wonderful. I still have my amazing team and squad mates and leadership. I still have a wonderful life back at home that I will go back to in a few months. But many of the Nepali people have lost EVERYTHING. Many of them cannot leave and may not have the resources to rebuild their lives. They CANNOT LEAVE the DISASTER. They are living in a country that has gone through so much. This is their reality. It hurts me so much that people I met and ministered with are living in fear and destruction daily. My heart breaks for them. My heart breaks for Nepal, a beautiful country that has been changed forever. A country I grew to love. The people of Nepal are so kind and beautiful that I love them all, even the ones I have not met.
I realize that after a number of months, Nepal will probably be forgotten about by most of the world. It will be something that happened and the news will have moved on, people will have new things to worry about and to think on. But Nepal will still be struggling. Nepal will still be trying to rebuild an entire country. But the help and support will probably dwindle away. It will be YEARS before Nepal completely recovers. But the world will probably have long moved on and Nepal will no longer be in anyone’s mind.
I pray that Nepal will always be on my mind. I pray that I will not forget these amazing people. I pray that I will be changed forever by experiencing the earthquake in Nepal. I pray that God uses the month in Nepal to make me more like Him, to be more compassionate, to feel more deeply and to live more fully.
