I am a person that pays close attention to numbers. They say something to me. For example, 11 is my favorite number and I seriously get excited when I see it. It’s what caught my attention about the World Race in Google. I really like when it’s the 11th of a month, I always look at the clock at the 11th minute of the hour and I feel like if I see a few 11’s in a row, it’s going to be a good day. I know that this seems silly and superstitious, but it’s something I’ve always done. This day challenges all the feelings for the number 11 that I have. Today is 11 years since my mother left this world and passed away. Today, 11 is a bittersweet number, full of memory and emotions.
In high school, not too many people knew that my mom passed away when I was 12. I made it that way for a reason. I call my aunt & uncle my mom & dad. I remember when I started calling them mom & dad, it was so that people would quit asking questions. I wanted to be a “normal kid” with a mom and dad. Not the kid that everyone feels pity for and then has to answer a million questions about how her mom died and how it feels. That was the worst. So I hid it. However, now, at 23, I feel comfortable with people knowing, and I am even okay talking about it. To almost anyone.
What I have gone through has not been easy, but it is has become a major part of my testimony and a part of who I am today. God has worked so miraculously through the awful event of losing my mom, and He has blessed me in so many ways. If I can share these blessings and love with any other person experiencing similar hurt, then it’s all worth it.
To know love, happiness, peace, hope and true joy is so wonderful.
That’s what I know in my God.
That’s what everyone can know.
That is my prayer to the hurting.
So how did I get to this point of peace after my mom’s death? To explain that, I should explain the emotions I had right after my mom passed away. I was 12 years old. The first year after that was a blur. I just remember crying a lot and going to art therapy often. Then, I moved to Wyoming and I accepted Christ as my Savior. Life seemed better. I was involved in youth group and liked my new home. However, I hadn’t fully accepted my mom’s death. I lived as though everything was a dream. Nothing was real. I finally realized that it wasn’t all a dream during my sophomore year of high school. I remember it so clearly. I was on a bus traveling for cheerleading. I was looking out the window and suddenly tears fell down my face. I realized that this was real. My mama was gone. There was no way that I could make up this many places that I’ve seen, people that I’ve met and things that I’ve experienced. After accepting that my mom really was gone, I started to wonder about where she was now. I know knew about eternal life after death and I wasn’t sure where my mom went. This broke my heart. It was in Ecuador, South America the summer of 2005 when I was 16 years old that God settled this confusion in my heart. I spent so much time in prayer and talking to my youth pastor about my mom's death. God somehow lifted the pain I felt and rested an unexplainable peace in my heart. He told me that I would see my mama again someday. After I got home from Ecuador, I found an old journal of my mom’s and saw that she prayed to God often. She loved Jesus. I remember growing up seeing her pray. I am comforted now by the knowledge that my mom is with God in heaven looking down at me.
And here I am 11 years since that day that I remember so well. July 31, 2001. I have been bitter toward this day for the the past 10 years. Not because I was mad at God or because I am an angry person. I just didn’t like hearing the date or looking at a calendar. I always want the day to fly by and have it be August. What’s special about this 11th year? I have a new friend Kiare, that God has blessed me with recently. It’s her birthday today. I am happy that I can celebrate an amazing friend on this day. I thank God so much for helping replace the day with happiness. After all, who am I to not rejoice in this beautiful day that the Lord has made. I am spending today praying, thinking of the memories of my mama, finding joy in the peace of knowing that I will see my mama again someday and having a blast celebrating Kiare’s birthday. God is so good.
