Have you ever had a super rotten attitude? You know, when you were just a total brat all day long? The next day, you’re sort of embarrassed about how you acted and really unsure of how you should act now. All you want to do is justify your behavior but at the same time you regret the behavior all together.
Well, that happened to me.
And I woke up this morning in a beautiful place called Cameron Highlands in Malaysia. Instead of loving life and choosing joy, I remembered the day before, when I was a total brat. My thoughts went back and forth to feeling bad about my actions to justifying them. And some of the justifications I was making were actually reality and there was truth to them. But most of them were my natural, selfish, fleshly expressions of defense and entitlement.
How ironic. Those two things have been on my mind lately, but not in regards to me. I am so heartbroken when I think about people who live as though they’re entitled to everything, acting as though the world owes them something. And then I think about going home to the “real world” and not being able to offer “feedback” and tell someone of when they are being defensive and how Jesus can make us unoffendable.
And here I am displaying those 2 qualities that I don’t like to see. And you know what, even if each justification I came up with was accurate and everything was against me (which was so not the case), I still am not entitled to act like a brat. Seriously, what right do I have? After all, this isn’t even my life that I’m living. And why would I defend myself in something that honestly will never matter. If I zoom way out and look at the actual situation of life and reality of the world, I’m just a teeny tiny speck that lives for under a hundred years. Life is so much more than me.
Now another lesson that I am learning today as I am thinking about this whole thing is the importance of balance. For me, I tend to take things to an extreme in regard to myself. Here, I think my willingness to call myself out on issues is a good thing because it can help me grow and look more like Jesus. But on the other end of the spectrum, I’ve learned that I have a natural tendency to beat myself up and hold things against myself for a ridiculously long time. Yes, I was a brat for a day. And yes, I should repent. And no, God doesn’t love when I act like that. But it’s totally not the end of the world and doesn’t make me a monster or the worst person ever. I am learning about what healthy balance looks like.
And you know what else I am realizing? I know that I mentioned how I’m a teeny tiny speck, which I believe is true (I just read Ecclesiastes) but another crazy truth is that God loves that teeny tiny speck. It still honestly blows my mind that my heartbeat, among the trillions of billions that have lived before and after me, actually matters to the God who created everything.
And even crazier to me what the fact that I heard Him say “I love you, Mel” this morning as I sat down to apologize for how I acted yesterday. I just think of a loving parent watching their kid have a temper tantrum and act ridiculously bratty all day. The parent isn’t going to hold it against the kid very long. They want the kid to know that it’s not cool to act that way. But at the end of the day, the parent is still crazy about that kid.
I’m not entirely stoked that I wasted a whole day with a grumpy gills attitude. It wasn’t my finest moment, that’s for sure. But if I’m completely honest, it’s pretty cool that it happened. I really learned a lot and I was reminded of some very important truths.
