A training camp blog: Volume One.
Wallflower: A noun 1. a person who, because of shyness, unpopularity, or lack of a partner, remains at the side.
Being an introvert, I'm overwhelmed by large groups. I get lost in them. I quickly begin to feel isolated, lonely, panicked, forgotten, and invisible. Naturally, this is how I felt on the first day of training camp amongst 300 other upcoming racers that make up the four January 2013 squads; overwhelmed. All I could think was, I've made a horrible, horrible mistake. How on earth could I have possibly thought I could do this? I'm not the adventerous type. As people were setting up their tents, I was convinced that everyone there was much more knowledgeable in backpacking than I am & I began to feel foolish for having signed up for the race.
I cried a lot that night once I was in the safety and seclusion of my tent & silently began to feed myself the enemy's lies. I cannot do this, I'm too timid, I'm not smart enough, I'm weak, I'm alone, I'm the only one who is afraid, the Lord can't use me, etc.
As the week continued on, I kept my squad at arms length. I kept to myself, (as best I could in the tight and constant community that the race fosters) quietly observing and listening, I spoke when spoken to but did not go out of my way to initiate converstations. I sat on the edge testing the waters.
However, in my silence I continued to accept lies. They aren't going to like you, you're not really part of this squad, you have nothing worth saying, those kinds of friendships are out of your reach, you'll always be a loner, etc. Lie after lie after lie ringing in my head. Lies that I was accepting and believing as truth.
But the Lord is good. & even though I didn't notice at first, he was quietly working on my heart.
During one of our night sessions mid week, one of the ladies on my squad, Marianne, said to me, "Even though some people may see you as small becuase of your structure, you're going to do mighty things for the Lord." I awkwardly smiled at her and said thanks and moved on. But what she had said wouldn't leave my mind. How could I do mighty things? She must have heard the Lord wrong. How did she even know that I was feeling small?! And As I continued to wrestle with what Marianne had said, other comments began to come to mind. Jamos, saying, "You have a big heart & you have a voice, don't let it be overrun." Again, I had simply brushed that off at the time. How did he know my heart? How could he possibly know anything about me with such small interactions?
And so I continued to wrestle as I began to let go of the enemy's lies and remember God's truth.
What I discovered in the end was that my squadmates and trainers were seeing me the way the Lord see's me: Bold, Strong, Compassionate, Mighty, Created with purpose.
I discovered that the Lord notices us even when we feel lost in the crowd.
