Hey, O Squad! Remember when we were talking about how God speaks to us?
Well here is a small random story.
For the past two weeks I have felt a heaviness in my heart.
I haven’t really been talking.
My mood has been less than pleasant.
I’ve felt a strong tension within me that becomes so tight I want to scream.
It may have to do with the time of year.
I have constantly felt the need to cry.
& I have.
But not for long.
I let just enough out to find relief but then quickly tell myself to stop.
I have always found a lot of shame in crying.
For others to cry is fine. But for myself that is a place I don’t like to go.
Especially in public.
Six months into the race I still find shame in crying.
Last night in complete frustration at myself & exhaustion of wrestling with these strange emotions that I can’t seem to pinpoint I wrote the following prayer:
“…I pray that I would find relief from this tension that I have been feeling. Fill me with joy. I want to come to the place where I can truly see and believe that crying is okay to do. That it does not carry shame but is something that allows healing. I want to believe this! I pray that I would allow myself to cry when I feel that I need to instead of trying to suppress those emotions; allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling. Does that make sense? You created me to be an emotional beings. Let's have a cry fest, yes? Oh gosh, what have I just asked for? Ha. Be my comforter right now, God. That’s what I need, comforting…”
I wrote a bit more and then walked upstairs to go to bed. As I got into bed I put my pen into my bible so that I wouldn’t lose it then rolled over and fell asleep.
This morning when I woke not thinking about my conversation with God last night & opened my bible to the place my own was bookmarking and noticed a verse had been circled in a book a rarely visit.
I began reading:
“& I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh & give you a heart of flesh. & I will put my spirit within you, & cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.”
— Ezekiel 36:26-27
Well good morning, Lord.
I see you were listening last night.
& although I did not cry today I felt much lighter than I have in the past few days.
