Called to be Here

Note: I apologize for how much time has passed since I last posted a blog.

Today is the 113 day of my race.
Month five ministry begins tomorrow. 
It has gone by slow and it has gone by incredibly fast. 
But as i look back at the last four months a sad thought crosses my mind. 

I've only been fully present for one month.

Physically I have been on the mission field. But when I am honest with you and with myself I say that my mind has been anywhere but here.

For the first three months of my race my mind has been full, busy, longing, wandering, dwelling, distracted. 

Mentally and emotionally it  was like I never left Fort Worth, Texas. 

I was nervous about my squad made up of 42 people I did not know but would live with for an entire year. & I longed for my already established friendships back home. 

I was overwhelmed by how long 11 months is. & I feared the unknown. I wanted my comforts and the things that were familiar. 

Everytime I logged onto my Facebook page I was reminded of all of the things I was missing out on. 3 Graduations, 3 babies, 9 weddings, birthdays, camping trips, baseball games, football games, random hangout nights, etc.  
& I just wanted to be home so I could be a part of all the festivities. 

 

While I was in Guatemala I could literally feel my flesh and spirit warring inside of me. 

In one moment I was pumped about ministry and motivated about reaching my financial deadline. & then not even five minutes later I was secretly hoping that money would not come in. That way it was not me "giving up" it was "the Lord's will"  that I was going home. 

It was a constant push and pull & it was absolutely exhausting. 

"The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" was constantly on my heart. 

& then the Lord spoke to my heart. & it left me with a sweet and humbled brokenness.
I was on the lake surrounded by mountains and volcanos as the sun was setting & I began thinking how no camera could capture the exact beauty of that place in that moment. & then I could not believe that this was real life. And then my thoughts went further. I was sitting on a lake in Central America longing for home; wanting to trade the unexpected for the predictable, knowing that once I was back home I would be longing for that Lake. 

I was looking at where I wasn't instead of where I was. 

On the lake that day in March, the Lord was telling me to open my eyes to what was around me. Open your eyes, Melanie my goodness is all around you. This is where you are suppose to be. I have called you here, right here. Open your eyes. 

I walked into month four with such an excitement about where I was. 

I decided to choose joy.

11 months is a long time. But honestly 11 months is such a short time.

I told God I was going to be present from month four on. That I was going to be available for him to use in whatever way he needs. That I will becoming less so that he may become more. 

Walking into month four I was ready to invest in my squad, ready to step out of my comfort zones and out the saftey of my walls. 

At the begining of the year I kept my squad an arm's length away. I spoke when spoken to but rarely, rarely initiated conversations. & I did that for two reasons (1). I feared the lie that if I made friendships on the squad it meant I was forfeiting my relationships back home. (2). I feared my squad mates getting to know me.
Here is the truth: My "normal life" relationship are no greater or less than the relationhips I have formed on O Squad. And my O squad relationships are no greater or less than my "normal life" relationships. 
They are all important. They are all valued. They are all cherished. They are all a blessing and encourgement from
the Lord.

Here is more truth:  The risk of vulnerability is totally worth the reward. Whoa, did those words just come out of my mouth!? 
Yes, yes they did. 

I honestly do not know or understand why we as people live in fear of having others know who we are. Why are we scared of being ourselves, scared of sharing our hearts, scared of allowing people to surround us when we are struggling and weak? 
  
I have mentioned this before in previous posts that relationships are a two way street. I cannot expect real, meaningful
relationship if I am 
 not willing to pour myself into them. The Lord has placed those in our lives for a reason. "We can learn something from
everyone" –Jake.
 

Here am I. Send me.

I am here.
I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be. & I do not want to miss it. 

I do not want to miss out on what he is teaching me, stretching me in, calling me into, breaking me of, and sharing with me. 

The Lord has chosen me to be a tool in which he uses to further His kingdom, and to reveal His glory to the nations. 

I believe that I have learned the most from month four. I can  see growth and I know that is becuase I have decided to be present.