I just made one of the harder decisions that I have ever made in my life. It might sound dramatic, but it’s true.
Last May, at my training camp in Georgia, I was invited to be team leader. I panicked – I did not want that responsibility, nor did I think I could handle it. But, I had a peace about it and had such life-giving words spoken to me that I decided, against my better judgment, to accept. Being team leader might not sound like a big deal, and for most it isn’t. Granted there is more work, more meetings, more mental strain, spiritual exhaustion etc., but most handle it with grace. I was different. I struggled with my identity at leader most of this race.
I have almost quit several times and longed for a “normal” World Race experience. I even once went to our debrief site early to meet with our squad leaders to tell them that I was done! But, in their wisdom, they pushed me to persevere.
I am so grateful they did. God has done such a restorative work in my heart and personality through being in a leadership position.
The reason that I fought being a leader so much in the beginning is that I was tied down by so many words of death about my personality. Most of you know that I do have a dominate, driven, Type A, personality. My senior year of high school I was a part of leadership for five different clubs and involved in a lot of others. I read books about leadership and persuasion….I was a leadership junkie.
But then, during college, I swung the opposite. I became friends with a few girls who weren’t strong Christians and really spoke death into my personality. I failed as a leader of a club my senior year of college…there was disunity, hurt, decreased attendance, etc, when I left. I was also told, in love, that I would never date or get married because my personality was too strong. All of this paralyzed me.
So when I was asked last May to lead my team, I freaked. I thought, “but I am too controlling and harsh to lead a team. I shouldn’t lead because I am female. I am not good enough. I am not strong in my faith.”
Turns out, a lot of that stuff was true. I was too controlling. I was too harsh. I was not good enough. I was not strong enough in my faith. The coat that I was asked to wear was too big and I had to a lot of growing to do.
I couldn’t do it. That’s the best part. God had to fill in the gap.
I had to depend on Him for strength in a way that I never have had to in my life. I had to be stripped of the ugly, harsh parts of my personality. I had to be healed from the negative words spoken over how God made me. I had to mature in my faith. I had to learn to see the best in other people and not judge. I had to learn to empower and not dominate others. I had to learn dependency on God alone.
And this process sucked. It was hard. I felt like a failure most of the time. I cried more in Bulgaria, month three, than I have ever in my life, I think. I was totally broken, and, as we have started to say, I was a bloody pulp of mass on the ground. I didn’t know who I was or who I was called to be. I started to even doubt who God was, what He promised, or that He even existed.
Now I can praise God for this season because being stripped allowed God to rebuild my identity. It allowed me to focus on my foundation of who I am in Christ, not who I am as a leader, daughter, friend, girlfriend, employee, etc. I had to come all the way back to my identity in Christ: I am redeemed, I am a life giver, I am equipped, I am sealed by the Holy Spirit, I am complete in Christ, I am stronger in weakness, etc. My identity is not found in my position, what I do, how many times I succeed or fail. My identity, my confidence, my hope should be in Christ in alone – and He cannot be shaken.
Through this healing process, I re-learned how to lead. I learned that it isn’t about directing or dominating or dictating, but about empowering those around you to do the thing God has called them to do. It’s about asking God for a greater vision for people than they even have. It’s about serving, being an example, loving.
It took five months to start to grasp this. It didn’t start to click until the end of Turkey, and then last month in Uganda I hit a stride. I started to find joy and energy in being team leader. I am finally healthy – not perfect, or even close – but healthier than how I started. Also, my team is healthy and starting to build true, deep community. Month six in Lira, Uganda was an incredible month for me… so refreshing when compared to how much I struggled through the first half of my World Race.
Now I feel like it is my turn to get out of the way. Just like Moses was not called to lead the Israelites across the Jordan to the promised land, just like David wasn’t called to build the temple, I am not called to lead my team to the next leg of the race.
So I came, once again, to the squad leaders and asked them to pray about me stepping out of leadership. However, this time I am coming from a place of health, verses a place of desperation. After much prayer, we all agreed and felt peace.
I now need to re-learn how to be Melanie. I need to learn my unique identity, not just my identity in Christ. I need to learn to just ‘be’ and not ‘do.’ Now I need to sit at the feet of Jesus and rest. Now I need to be refreshed in the spirit. Now I need to learn to follow in a healthy way, not because I am wanting to please, but because God commands it. I don’t think this stage will be easy for me – at all. But I am excited and know these are lessons that I need to learn.
Plus, Hope has been appointed as the new team leader, and I couldn’t be more excited! God is going to do incredible things for her and through her for our team. I believe God has called her to stand in the water and lead us across the Jordan to the promised land.
This month, that promised land happens to be in Mpeketoni, along the coast of Kenya. Our team will arrive there tomorrow morning, set up tents, and jump into ministry. I don’t exactly know what we will be doing, but I know that God has been faithful this far and will continue to open doors to further his Kingdom!
“I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:9-10
