I am actually writing this blog after training camp but feel that it is necessary to have a pre- and post-training camp blog to articulate the transformation it has made in my life. For those of you who do not know, I was at training camp April 4-13 for The World Race.
Journal Entry 3/29/08
Lord,
I am weary, tired and willing. Willing to let you catch me. I am falling and have no other alternative. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around how much you love me. How much you care for me. And in the midst of this constantly changing world, I fear I have lost sight of who I am.
“Who I am is not enough” is the phrase that keeps repeating in my head. I feel lost in this world that screams “YOU ARE DIFFERENT!” Yet I know that Jesus was profoundly different than the people of His time. So, here I am, once again, between the rails of abandonment and control. I find myself being cynical and unbelieving. Disbelief has overtaken the childlike faith I had so long ago.
Who am I? That’s a great question. I could bore you with the details of how the world explains my existence but that doesn’t fit who You say I am. Yet I can’t wrap my brain around Your description. You say that I am beautiful. You say that You love me so much that You would come back for me if ever I was lost. You say that I am Your precious daughter. You say that I am Your chosen one. That I am Your bride. You say that You are proud of me. That I am Your joy.
Yet I find myself unable to believe it. It feels as if I am having an identity crisis.
I want to get back to that childlike faith. I remember the freedom of complete abandonment, yet I find myself in fear of surrender. Peaceless. Unbearable, yet still unable to believe that Your dreams are bigger than mine. When and from whom did this begin to permeate? Was is from society, family, friends? Or was it my response to the radical call You placed on my life that doesn’t parallel the typical American life?
I have hid in the bushes, not wanting to let anyone see me, believing that I am just another wallflower. But I have stilted Your growth in me by being in the background. You want to share Your love through me, but I have been afraid to step out from my protection.
Who knows when I stepped behind the bushes, but I know now that You have been preparing me to become vulnerable and realize that it is not my “nakedness” they will see, but Your transforming love.
Stay tuned for my next blog, “My Identity – A Beautiful Woman (post-training camp).”
