On November 25th, 2015, I came home to a world of opportunity. The question everyone has been asking is, “What are you going to do next?”. Excitement moves around me as my friends and supporters continue to wait for someone to follow. I have never seen such a clean slate; so many open doors, so many bullets on my list of plans for my future. It’s exciting, adventurous, and somewhat overwhelming.
The question that I, along with most (if not all) World Racers returning home have been asking is, “Will my family and friends notice the change in me?”. And, when it’s not noticed, or mentioned, or when we fall back into an old habit, we doubt ourselves and start to ask, “Have I really changed at all?”.
January 11th, 2016 began the final debrief with my World Race squad and mentors. We call this knowledge-packed week, Project Searchlight (or PSL). This week is designed for Racers who have been off the field for about a month, to be able to rejoin with their squad mates (the family they have been breathing with for the last 11 months) and get stuff done. During this time we are able to soak in some knowledge from those who have gone before us, debrief as a squad, attend workshops designed to help us move to our next step in life, set up specific time for seeking the Lord, and be poured into by our friends, mentors, and coaches.
When my squad-mates first started talking about PSL, back in November, I wasn’t completely set on going. But, I figured I would end up attending, as I am one to jump at an opportunity to spend time with friends. 6 days at camp with my people? And they are paying my gas money? I’m there!
As I crossed the state line entering Georgia (alone in my car), I began to dance and yelled out, “Welcome to Geeeoooooorrggggiiiiiaaaa!!!” (to myself…yeah, I was the only one who could hear me). Excitement poured over me, as I began reminiscing on the last time I made my way to Georgia. Yup, last time I was in this peachy state, I was at Training Camp, preparing to be as unprepared as possible for my next year on the World Race.
Monday evening, as I stood in the first worship service of many, I remembered what I had heard about PSL: It’s a time to remind yourself that you have changed. Your year was real; the things you have learned are still with you. You are not going back, only forward. I closed my eyes, and saw my story. In that moment, I remembered a conversation that I continuously had with the Lord during Training Camp…
My feet were in the water. I was standing on the shore looking out at Him. He was in the ocean, not too deep, sitting on a board, motioning for me to come to Him. The water was calm, just small waves that I needed to step over, and I’m sure I had to swim a little to reach Him. He was kind, patient, and inviting. But I remember being afraid. I wanted so badly to get to Him… but I couldn’t. What was stopping me? I became frustrated as this image repeatedly flooded my mind throughout the week. I wouldn’t move from that shore.
And there, standing in the same room, 14 months, 12 countries, and many lessons later, I found a different picture…
The clouds were dark yet filled with lightning, the waves were brutal, a storm was evident. I stood on a boat that reminded me of the story of Peter walking on the water (Matthew 14:22-33). There we stood, hand in hand, the Lord and I. The wind was strong as the rain pelted our faces, but we were not afraid. The boat was tossing in the waters, but we were not shaken. Instead, Jesus and I were looking above, eyes focused on the Father. No fear.
In that moment, I was reminded of where the Lord had brought me throughout the year 2015. Somewhere along my journey I had forgotten about the fear that held me back. I had trudged through the waves and jumped onto the raft, that apparently led me to a boat. When did that happen?
Jesus became that fearful girl’s friend. I would like to say He’s been a friend to me since I was 6 years old, and that would be the truth, but our friendship grew this year in more ways than one. My relationship with Jesus changed. I learned to trust God. He proved to me that if He was holding my hand, nothing could overtake me. Jesus taught me to worship. He led by example and showed me that the way to peace is through thanksgiving. He showed me that people are the most important thing—always. He taught me that grace is something that I still don’t understand, and maybe never will. He reminded me of the gifts the Father has given me; of the things I was created to do. He told me that He will always, always provide. He convinced me that He has begun a great work in me, and He is only just beginning. He is always working, even when I’m not watching. He revealed the change in me when I couldn’t see it for myself.
He asks me again, “Walk with me, walk with me, walk with me,”.
The storm is coming, that’s just life. But while holding His hand, and fixing my eyes on the Father, His words don’t seem so scary, but rather full of adventure, peace, and new horizons. I don’t know what my future holds. There are many open doors, opportunities, decisions. But I know this, I’m not going back.
