Sometimes when I am in worship, or in teamtime, or when I just know I am supposed to share something, say something I get what I am to call for lack of a better name “the holy spirit heartbeat”.
It’s the heart pounding, anxiety building, red in the face, losing my breath feeling I get when I know Jesus wants me to say something.
Normally there is something that proceeds it- a thought, a verse, something someone else says that I know I have a response too.
But tonight as I was worshipping with some of teammates- I got it.
But Jesus, my mind is blank. What do you want me to do?
“Write”
What?
What am I supposed to write?
“EVERYTHING”
Everything?
“Everything.”
So I left the room, walked down two flights of stairs, grabbed my computer and then walked down one more flight of stairs to sit at a table and write everything
Everything is so little and so much.
So I ask God again.
What’s everything?
“tell them why you don’t think your worthy.”
Umm God? Haven’t we had the conversation where I have labeled the reasons why I don’t want to tell people I don’t think I’m worthy #1 being they don’t believe me and tell me it’s a dumb thing to believe?
“that’s a stupid reason”
I don’t think it is.
“no it is. Really stupid”
Fine.
Alright. So now that you’ve had a play by play of mine and God’s little stand off,
This is what I have realized on the race:
I’d much rather YOU believe you are worthy.
I’d rather do everything in my power for you to know:
You are strong.
Gifted.
Loved.
Enough.
Blessed.
This is my step one in a process of beginning to feel worth.
But the problem is I missed it at the beginning.
I didn’t realize that I just didn’t know HOW to accept truth from people.
I’ve spent most of my adult life as a Jesus following Christian. Reading the word, attending church, growing, being stretched.
I’ve declared truths about his word over and over. About who He is.
But what about who I am?
I’d rather not.
I get sort of uncomfortable stating things about myself, hearing things about myself, believing things about myself.
I’ve tried. I really have. I write them down, read over them, ask for them.
But they are like an old post it note- it just doesn’t stick.
I’ve hit the point where I fully believe I can walk in confidence without belief.
Please don’t tell me I’m worthy.
I don’t think I can handle it.
I don’t want too actually.
It’s really, really hard.
I’d rather help you be strong.
Please don’t take this as fake humbleness.
This is just me being as real as I possibly can.
It’s me realizing that I walk in a lot more of Christ strength than my own.
Because I have none to walk on.
And don’t worry. I’m not leaving myself on a ledge.
I’m trying- clawing at this cliff. Sinking into the pain that is still there.
Yearning to find the key that unlocks all the feeling and belief in myself.
I’m reading books that remind me that I need to shove shame into the light- that I need to talk about the stuff that gets in the way. I’m talking to God, disagreeing with Him. All of that good stuff.
It sucks. But I get it.
You heard that God? I get it. I’m trying.
“I heard you.”
