Hey you! Yes you, Racer leaving for launch- I have something VERY important to remind you of:
The World Race is not for the faint of heart.
It’s not for people who want to hide their random freak out, break down, sob fest from people.
How do I know this?
I just walked into month 9 after a heartbreaking emotional debrief.
But here’s the funny thing: The previous 8 months on the race I thought I was being vulnerable. I thought that I was opening up. Tearing down walls. Being receptive to feedback.
And I was to some extent. I was listening to God’s voice. Following what He told me. Saying yes over and over again to where He would have me be.
And then we got to month 8 debrief. I realized a few key items about myself after some soul searching in the cluttered closet in my brain.
The two revelations I had are the follow:
- I have never [sans one boss] been lead by a man,
- I have never lead men.
Interesting. After team leading last month the second one had occurred to me. And in hashing out this month the 1rst one came up. So I tucked that into my pocket and because of some other realizations about myself [and having the prodding feeling in my soul that if I were home I would call my therapist] I decided to have my first ever one on one with Randy the husband half of our absolutely amazing squad coach team.
Randy and I had an amazing conversation. I left feeling pretty grounded, feeling like I had listened to God’s prompting.
And then I walked down the stairs.
Literally that’s all I did.
I proceeded to burst into tears. I don’t really know what came over me. I just started crying, sobbing [I’m sure looking awesome to everyone else that passed me.] I just had tears flowing down my face. I could FEEL the pain in my heart. And the door on the cluttered closet inside burst open: everything started to flow through me. All of the anguish, the hurt, the name calling-everything.
And I wanted it to stop. I didn’t want to share it with anyone. So I closed it off. I told people Randy and I had a one on one. It was awesome. I sobbed when I left. No I didn’t know why.
Which of course was true to some extent.
Then on the last night of debrief, after feigning tiredness for my emotions for the rest of the week, I grumpily sat down at our contemplative worship night.
And I could hear God telling me to open that closet door and start writing.
So I did. As I was slowly drawing and writing it out, Betsy [the beautiful wife half of the coaching team] prayed over me.
I cried some more. [and mind you normally when I cry at debrief it's around Tiff. But I can’t even blame Tiff for these tears because she had already left. Also Tiff: I don't think we cried together this debrief that much. Just sunburns. ].
After worship I ended up spilling it all out. Telling everything to Kayla, my squad leader, vegetable chopping buddy and good friend. I laid it out. Everything that I hadn’t necessarily been holding in but that I had been censoring.
I sobbed it all out. And was exhausted after.
Now I sit here in Bangkok with a new team, with a new outlook on the pain in my life, and an already huge piece of sadness for this thing to end.
It’s crazy to me all of the changes that have occurred in my life and the fact that God reveals things when they need to be revealed.
And I think the thing I know that I want you as a racer at launch to know is this:
It keeps going. You may get past your baggage you came on the race with. All the stuff that was at your feet. But there is more. God wants to get past all of the stuff that doesn’t feel shallow but is in actuality surface level pain.
And it sucks.
It hurts.
And it is totally utterly and completely beautiful.
I have a lot of hurts to flesh through. I won’t be done with them in 3 months- but I am going to use in this time in this safe community of like minded people who love me to continually to push through and choose to feel every ounce of pain because I know that my sacred circle will help me through it.
And my God won’t let me get too beat up.
N Squad is praying for you guys as you launch. You are about to start this crazy chaotic journey. Take the leap and don’t worry about a safety net.
