Before I left for training camp I thought I had it all together. Yeah, I had junk but who doesn’t. One of the things I had to do in order to prepare for Training Camp and for the World Race was to deal with my junk. So I did…I threw it all into the deepest darkest part of my heart and mind where I could forget about it until after the trip and where it would not be hindrance in the ministry God is preparing for me to do.
God had other plans for that junk….
After the first full day of camp, God started moving and bringing up things I didn’t want brought up. I knew in my heart these things needed to be dealt with; however, training camp wasn’t the place to do it. I had just met my new family, L Squad, and I wasn’t about to let my crap come out and let them see the “real” me. My past experiences with being “real” only left me rejected, hurt, and with more crap and I wasn’t willing to let that happen again.
As the week progressed God pressed into me more about giving up the lies that have been spoken over me, and the hurt I carried. And finally I told God, “We will deal with this when I get home and am alone, not here.” And I stopped having quiet times and attempted to “avoid” God.
One of the most awesome, amazing things about my Loving God…He doesn’t give up on me!! So when I fell back into the lies that I am unlovable and no one cares enough to listen and who would even want to listen…He sent people to me to physically wrap their arms around me and to speak the life and truth into me that He has always wanted me to hear and believe.
Thursday night as hard as I fought to avoid God, my heart was pounding in my chest and I knew if I didn’t meet Him and deal with the crap I carried around I would walk away from Training Camp and would always believe the lies, would never be able to forgive those who have hurt me and ultimately never be able to live in the FREEDOM God longs for me to live in through His Son.
I went to one of our amazing squad leaders and talked with her about what was going on. She challenged me to pray and name out the specifics, and not just say take the lies away, or help to forgive. Get specific and talk to God…she told me not to be afraid of hurting His feelings or offending Him because He knows where my heart is, and He’s God…He can handle it! She also said I needed to name the specific truths which God declares for me in His Word.
As I began praying I became extremely dizzy, but it never once crossed my mind to quit praying. For the first time in a very long time I felt the True Presence of God…like it was just me and Him anywhere around. The dizziness was comforting (which I know sounds weird). I named specific lies that have been spoken over me all my life, I named specific people and situations I needed help forgiving. I honestly have no idea how long we sat in the hallway that night crying, praying, praising, and worshipping God.
I walked away that night with worship in my heart that has not stopped. A longing for more of Him that I haven’t experienced in years. I walked away walking in His TRUTH and not the enemies lies. I didn’t sleep that night but spent the entire night in my tent worshipping and praising God for everything, including my crap that I had carried just hours before.
When I opened my Jesus Calling devotional for that day, July 19, 2012 I worshipped all over again. Now I walk in the FREEDOM Christ died for, and not the weight of this world.
I am now more than ever excited about launching into the nations in 6 weeks!! I am praising God for training camp. It was the hardest week of my life…physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually but it was the most amazing week of my. I would do it all again.
