Today I had my first meltdown on the race….and I'm pretty sure I'm still having it. It is currently 12:53 am on December 21, 2012. (the world does not end just in case people back home are wondering). I'm laying here wide awake, my mind going a million miles a minute when a cockroach crawls on my arm. I don't yell but violently shake my arm and send it flying to the other side of the room as I grab my head lamp.
Laura: "Was it a rat?"
Me: "No, just a roach"
Cheyanne: "Just a roach?!? Are they our new norms?"
Me: "This month? Yes!!"
After a conversation with a teammate last night, and then again this morning I lost it. It was nothing my friend said that caused my melt down but a combination of 20 days in the Philippines, and 100+ days on the race!!
20 days of…..
- Living in a one room shack with 14 other people. (we refer to it as prison bc we are locked inside every night for safety).
- Having no privacy even when going to the bathroom.
- Having no structured ministry.
- NOISE everywhere!!
- Being woke up in the middle of the night because there is a Muslim temple behind our prison and it is time for prayers.
- Ants and other bugs crawling on me all the time.
- Waking up to a screaming teammate bc their is a roach crawling on her face.
- No running water.
- Sweating constantly even while taking a bucket shower.
- Trying to figure out how to be a new team.
100+ days of….
- Fighting lies from the devil.
- Sketchy skype calls to friends and family back in the states.
- Brushing my teeth with a water bottle.
- Malaria medication and suffering side effects when I forget to eat first.
- Wearing bug spray everyday. And smelling like I'm wearing it even when I'm not.
- Not sleeping in my bed.
- Missing birthdays and holiday celebrations with family ad friends.
- Driving my car.
- Being ALONE in my car.
- Hugs from family and friends.
- Missing my church.
- The list continues….
Today as I journaling and talked to God I told him I was tired. I told him I need time to refill and recharge alone!! I told him as an introvert this month is killing me (literally)!!! I told him my frustrations. I was vulnerable, laying it all out on the table (your reading the edited version).
It felt like his response was, "My daughter, what do you need?" I told him, "Just 5 minutes with my best friend back home. Just 5 minutes with a friendly face that would hug me and love me. That would assure me everything was gonna be ok!! That would listen, without judging or asking questions and would pray for me. Just 5 minutes!!" His response: "Why do you wish for 5 short minutes when I am available to you 24/7. I am with you every step of this journey. I am with you when you on the nights you cry yourself to sleep as you pray for this community. I am beside you as you love on the kids of San Buena. Would you chose 5 minutes versus every second of the day? Am I enough for you?"
This response shocked me. Maybe my response should have been immediate. But it wasn't. It took me all day to process. It took fighting thru more lies from the devil, it took having a good cry in the mayors office (where the meltdown began) while waiting to sing Christmas carols, and a hour and a half walk to answer the question.
"Lord, you are enough!!"
And while I lay hear wide awake still processing this month so far, I know God is right beside me. He catches every tear that falls, he is my shield. He is the truth that crushes the lies. He is my strength when my muscles are too sore from sleeping on the floor to move. He is the cool breeze that blows as sweat puddles around my ankles. He loves me! He is enough and he always will be.
(As I was posting this blog I checked my Skype voicemails, and around the sound time I was having the conversation with God I received a voicemail from my friend back in the states. God loves me and knows exactly what I need evey second of the day!!)
