I can’t believe the day is here. That after weeks of preparing, shopping, researching and buying, my bags (and by bags, I mean just my pack and dayback) are finally packed and that in a one short hour, I will get in my car and head down to Training Camp. That I will be joined in the car with some of my squad mates I've never met and will share this week with the other 215+ World Racers preparing to launch out in September. I have to admit, the sheer thought of this fast approaching reality makes my heart stop as the knots in my stomach seem to become unbearable. When I let my thoughts wonder, it can get overwhelming pretty fast as the “what if’s” start to filled my head.
What if my teammates don’t like me?
What if I don’t fit in?
What if this is too far out of my comfort zone?
What if I let my introversion keep me distant and disconnected from the group?
What if I come back and don’t want to do this?
So many what if’s that I have sadly let cripple me this week. In between all the errands and to-do lists, these thoughts just wouldn’t seem to leave me.
But yesterday, the day before training camp, I had a break through. PRAISE JESUS!
In the quietness of my room yesterday morning, I cried out to my Father. Exposing every anxious thought, every fear, every insecurities and leaving nothing hidden. It might sound funny but up until this point, I really hadn't expressed these feelings verbally to the Lord. I thought masking these negative, gut wrenching emotions with "joy" and "excitement" would be easier and eventually convince myself that these were my true feelings. I didn't want to be that one World Racer who wasn't excited for training camp! But finally, I was having a break through. An honest, vulnerable break through.
And soon, my writing changed from my insecurities, fears and doubts to the real meaning of this journey called the "World Race." Back to it's purpose of bringing the name of Jesus to the lost and reflecting His unyielding adoration. The Lord reminded me of the aching in my heart for the nations that He has instilled in me. For the lost and the broken. For the hungry and orphaned. For the enslaved and abused. To love them and let His love be known. This is why I go. And then it hit me. I realized I had been putting my focus on the trip instead of the mission. On the temporary circumstances instead of the eternal worth. On the people instead of the One. I had unknowingly taken my focus off my Father and let the Race take His spot.
After this realization, the Lord graciously transformed my heart. Letting go of the expectations and feelings of the Race and returning my focus to Him. To these true feelings of joy and excitement that I felt when I first began this journey. Before the to-do list started or the fears crept in. They have returned as I feel the overwhelming peace of my Father surround me, knowing that He goes before and He's already been.
But as one in Christ, I do ask that you pray for me this week. That as Satan tries to tear me down with lies and insecurities, that I would only hear my Father's truths louder. For where the presence of the Lord is, Satan can not. I ask that you pray for me "choosing in" all week and not allowing the ease of giving into my introversion allow me to disconnect from the group. I also ask that you pray for my whole squad as we all prepare for this journey together. That as we all meet for the first time, that we will let our walls down and be willing to experience the fullness of God as one body. Thank you ahead in advance for all your support and prayers!
I can honestly say that I am EXCITED for this week and what the Lord has in store for my heart. For the breaking and refining that will take place and to see just a glimpse into this next chapter. I won't have my phone all week but definitely expect a blog update as soon as I get back!
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." [Eph. 3:20-21]
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Love you all and thank you!
