As I sit here and think about what I want to tell you guys about Month 3, I feel like my heart and my head are in a battle. How do I want you to perceive my time in Vietnam? How should I present that month to you? I could tell you about the peacefulness the Lord blessed us with in our little beach town of Da Nang. The beautiful beach lined with palm trees that was just a 10 minute walk from our hotel.
I could tell you all about our ministry, how we designed and painted a princess room for the girls at the orphanage and how proud of ourselves we were with the final product.
Or I could tell you about our incredible contacts – Bryan and the sweet Brewer family who quickly welcomed us as their own sisters and daughters. And even included us in their traditional Thanksgiving day feast where we were blessed to sit around a table with 30 others from several different countries.
But while these things were wonderful, I wouldn’t be telling you the truth if I stopped there. If I painted this beautiful picture for you but didn’t acknowledge the scrapes and the eraser marks along the way.
Honestly, Vietnam was hard. Personally, spiritually, emotionally – it was really hard.
It was here that my Father showed me the root to my ongoing insecurities and struggles:
My addiction of others’ approval
My deep need to always people please
My independence and self-reliance
My selfish love, seeking only acceptance in return
My desire to reach perfection
My jealousy of others’ strengths
My lack of submission and respect at home
My mindset that His nearness is based on my good works
My low self-image and self-rejection
My ongoing state of comparing
My constant need to prove myself
My fruitfulness preceding His intimacy.
At first, this all seemed so overwhelming. So heavy. So…impossible. I felt like I was pulling a wagon behind me, filled with piles and piles of all these insecurities. It all seemed too much to handle and I didn’t even know how to start sifting through it all.
But the Lord saw my anxious heart and knew exactly the process to take me through. Instead of trying to clip away at all of these branches, the Lord directed me straight to the root issue.
The issue of my orphan heart.
He showed me that instead of actually claiming and walking in my “daughtership” as His beloved child, I have continued to grip onto my identity as an orphan.
A place where fear, rejection and insecurities thrive.
A place where love is based on selfish motives and personal worth is determined by others’ acceptance.
A place where there is no rest. There is no safety. There is no home.
A place where I’ve worked more as God’s slave than God’s daughter.
I have seen it as a title to work towards rather than a title I have already been given. As a destination I have to get to rather than something I currently have authority to claim and walk in.
But the truth is:
I am His daughter now.
Which not only means I have the blessing of receiving and experiencing His unconditional, all-surpassing love right now, but I have a home with Him.
I recently finished reading From Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship by Jack Frost and in it, he quotes “Home is where you constantly hear the voice of God speaking His affirmation over you, His love over you, and His forgiveness, compassion, and grace over you.”
This is where I want to be. To constantly be hearing what my Father is saying over me.Not only know it in my heart but hear it in my head. I want the full knowledge and experience of His love.
His love that goes beyond people’s approval.
His love that doesn’t seek perfection.
His love that isn’t dependent on my love.
His love that cast out all fear, all insecurities, all unworthiness.
I’m tired of being an orphan. I’m ready to fully experience my Father’s embrace.
Are you walking in your identity as an orphan or a son/daughter? The title is already yours. You just have to claim it.
“Sonship is a heart that feels at rest and secure in God’s love; it believes it belongs, it is free from shame and self-condemnation, it walks in honor toward all people, and it is willing to humble itself before man and God.”
[From Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship]
Financial update: Thanks to all of you, I have raised $14,153 and just need about $2,000 more to be FULLY FUNDED! Thank you for all who have supported and who continue to support through prayers and encouragement. You don't know how much I appreciate each of you!
LOVE YOU ALL!
