Friends, I have to admit something to you. Something that I have been struggling with for pretty much this whole race but have tried to keep it under wraps, trying my hardest to fight it. To fight the enemy as he plagues my mind with lies upon lies. Lies that tell me that I am…
Insignificant.
Unworthy to be noticed.
Easily replaceable.
Overlooked.
Incapable of making an impact.
Not worth pursuing.
Not able to personally offer anything.
And never will be good enough.
These are the words that have filled my mind for quite some time and the filter I often see myself and people around me through. These lies have been my truths and what I've been holding onto more tightly than I care to admit, allowing them to cripple every area of my life. Affecting how I view myself in relationships, how I see my strengths – or lack there of – and how I see my role in the world around me. These labels have sadly stolen many days from me on the race as I've wasted lots of days retracted from my teams, my squad, my ministries and the Lord. When the lies screamed loud, I naturally put my walls high up and keep everyone out, believing that I'll pollute their lives if I am any part of them. I have spent countless hours these past 10 months in my own world, using my iPod, movies and my sleeping pad as my forms of escape. Not wanting to be "discovered" by others for who I really was. I was scared that once they saw, they would agree with the lies, solidifying my insignificance.
These lies had been making their appearance through this whole race but last month, it all came to a head. Transnistria wasn't my favorite country or ministry to be honest but it was more than that.
I was sick of the lies.
And I was frustrated that here I was in month 9 of this journey and I was still struggling with the same thing since day 1 of this journey. I remember at training camp having all the anxiety about what team I was going to be placed on – but not for the reason most people did. I wasn't worried about who I would be living side by side with for the next 5 months or who I would be working alongside in ministry. I was worried about what they would think about me being on their team. If they would think that I was the outsider, the one who kept them from having their "dream team." And that's something I have carried into every team change.
Walking to month 9 with new teams, the lies started again but this time, I not only put my walls up for protection but because of my anger. I was mad at myself that here I was still struggling with the same insecurities since the beginning. At this point in the journey, I thought all my baggage was suppose to be dealt with. I was suppose to have worked through everything, walked through the fire and been refined by month 9. From here on out, it was suppose to be a beautiful adventure, full of daises and roses. Right? But nope, here I was in a spiritual darkness- not what I had imagined three months before this journey was ending.
Let's back up here for a minute. Before starting month 9, V squad had our last big debrief in Dublin where our squad mentor and coaches flew out to encourage and push us in finishing our last three months strong. They challenged us in our sessions, asking us the hard questions and making us think about how we wanted to end this season of our lives – gently reminding us, that how we end this season determines how we begin the next. So on the first night, straight out of the gate they asked each of us "what's holding you back from going all in these next 3 months?" Immediately the words "lies, fears, insecurities" came into mind. But as I closed my eyes, the Lord softly spoke a single word:
"CONFINEMENT"
First, I was insanely confused on what this meant and how in the world it was an answer to the question. What did confinement have to do with my insecurities of being overlooked and insignificant? And then the Holy Spirit convicted my heart of the powerful truth behind this word and I realized that…
I have built myself my own confinement, my own safe place.
A place where I am accepted by others, where I cause no conflict.
A place where I people please so I'm not rejected.
A place where I distance myself so I don't get hurt.
A place where past rejection and abandonment are no longer felt.
A place where I am motivated by performance
that is rooted in fear.
Fear that I will be insignificant, worthless and overlooked
if I step out of this self made box.
Because in my mind it's better to stay confined and feel "valued" than leave all fear behind and take the risk of what people will think of me.
Pretty messed up right?
But I would be lying if I said it wasn't right on par with the thoughts in my head.
From this Dublin debrief, my team flew straight to Moldova to begin our month 9 in Transnistria (the horrible month I was talking about at the beginning of this whole thing). But before we get back to that, I want to tell you just a little bit about this travel day. First off, it was my 23rd birthday which was incredible- I mean what 23 year old can say they spent their special day traveling from Ireland to Turkey to Moldova? I'd say that's pretty neat:) Having such a wonderful day, I pulled out my journal and filled pages with adoration and pure joy for my Father. I remember feeling so loved that day, not only by the wonderful family He had placed around me and the sweet flight attendants who gave me a free chocolate cake but by my Abba. There I was in my little seat by the plane window, feeling so joyous, so cherished and delighted in by Him. It was unlike any feeling I had experienced before. I could physically feel his deep, radiate love pouring over me and hearing Him say such beautiful truths over me. I closed my eyes as the Lord spoke our love language and gave me a breathtaking vision.
I was in a tall, grassy, field, filled with small white wildflowers, dancing and laughing in my white lace dress as I spun with my arms out and looked up to the sky.
All I could see was the vastness of the beautiful field with the green, tall mountains behind as the sun shone and the wind blew. My face was leaning back, my eyes closed, my mouth smiling as I soaked up every minute of this moment. I was carefree, not focused on anything else but the openness and freedom around me.
And I heard Him say. "Freedom is here in My love. This beautiful love."
Then my thoughts followed as I wrote underneath my sketched out drawing, "In this love, I'm not in a confinement, a box. I am free, completely free.
It was a beautiful vision but one that the enemy stole from me the next month in Transnistria. As the lies became louder, dragging me further and further from my Father's voice. And here I was mad- mad that even after 9 months, even after this beautiful vision, I was still in my confinement. Still being controlled by these lies and labels. Month 9 ended and I felt defeated. I was tired. I was done with the race.
Travel day came and my squad loaded onto our bus to begin our tenth long travel day and 10 hour bus ride to Romania to begin this month. I sat next to my teammate and dear friend Rachel and chatted with her about the rut I had found myself in. As I spoke, I once again felt the feelings of defeat and frustration as I remembered having the same conversations with her Month 1. I put my headphones in and tried to drown out my feelings as I rested my head against the window and drifted off to sleep.
When I woke, I was captivated by the scenery that was passing by my window- open, grassy fields, filled with wildflowers and captivating mountains in the background.
As tears formed in my eyes, I began to softly chuckle to myself and the faithfulness of my Father.
I knew, this month was going to be different. This month was going to be a breath of fresh air. This month was going to be the month I was going to gain freedom.
And this month, the Lord did just that. As I had "coffee dates" with Him every morning at our large kitchen table, He revealed to me the roots of my insecurities and patiently walked with me through the messiness. He showed me how He sees me, what He sings over me every morning and the freedom that comes in knowing more about His love. He not only fought against the lies but replaced them with His sweet truths.
I learned and started to truly believe for the first time that
I AM deeply known by Him.
(Psalm 139:1-3)
I AM seen by Him.
(Psalm 139:15-16)
I AM fiercely loved by Him.
(1 John 4:9)
I AM delighted in by Him.
(Zephaniah 3:17)
I AM not forgotten by Him.
(Isaiah 49:15-16)
I AM valued by Him.
(Luke 12:6-7)
I AM seen as righteous by Him.
(Isaiah 61:10)
I AM important to Him.
(1 Peter 2:9)
I AM chosen by Him.
(John 15:16)
Reading these truths every morning, I have been able to gain a little bit more freedom this month, to step out of my confinement and place my feet in the field where His love is present and my freedom is waiting. I have been able to see myself in glimpses through His eyes and stand in the confidence that I am significant, chosen, cherished and valued by Him. I am definitely still working on this, constantly having to remind myself when the lies come of who I am and whose I am. But I think with everyday that passes, I become a little bit "free-er." More willing to step out of my box because I've tasted the freedom that comes when I dance out in that field. The freedom that only comes in His perfect love.
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I must tell you, I was a little hesitant to share this with you all, knowing that when I come home, people will now know my struggles, my insecurities, the way I tend to see myself. I wanted to just keep it here in my race community and be able to keep it hidden from my home community. But I don't want to go back in that confinement, to that way of labeling myself. And you are worth telling, worth being vulnerable to. I ask that you all keep this in your prayers, that I continue to gain more freedom this last month. That I would continue to declare these beautiful truths over me everyday as this journey comes to an end and protection from the enemy as he tries his hardest to tell me otherwise.
Thank y'all so much for your love and support! See you all in just 4 weeks!
