I can't believe it's been almost a week since returning home from Training Camp. That it's taken me this long to process what the Lord did in those 7 days. I wish so badly I could take you back there with me, that you could see firsthand the power of the Holy Spirit that took over that place. That you could stand with me in the mist of 220+ young adults as they held nothing back in order to worship the God they are surrendering this next year of their life to. To see the freedom and the devout passion of each individual as they sang praises and prayers to their Daddy. That you could be constantly surrounded by a community that was so quick to pray at the mention of hardship, whether big or small. Who continually spoke words of encouragement and laid their hands on complete strangers because their desire for the Holy Spirit to be present was stronger than their fear of being uncomfortable. I wish I could take you there, to that beautiful place. But for now, my words will have to suffice. I'll try my hardest to paint the picture of what the Lord did in my heart that week but in reading, know that it was so much more.
I could use this post to tell you about physical exhaustion of camp, how I learned to be a "wilderness girl" as I learned the ins and outs of sleeping in a tent, brushing my teeth by the creek and becoming friends with all the buggy critters who quickly became my roommates. I could tell you about our 7:00AM hike the first morning with all our gear, our sleepless night on the bus, or how I had my luggage "stolen" and had to find a way to sleep for a night. But to be honest, when I think back on camp, this isn't what I think of. These aren't descriptions of what truly happened during this beautiful disaster of a week. No, I want to let you in on the hard stuff, on the real stuff. On how the Lord melted away my hardened walls with His all-consuming love.
I never realized before coming into this week what great difficulty I have accepting the love my Father has me. Not only believing that a love could be so deep, so relentless, so consuming, but that this love could be for me. And that no matter what I did, no matter if I failed or stumbled, the intensity of this love would never lessen. That there was nothing I could do to make my Father love me less, nothing I could ever do to make Him love me more. I realized this week the root of this disbelief I had, the reason I believed my God loved everyone else…but I was the exception.
I came to find that I hadn’t let go of past pains, past trials or past heartbreaks. I not only had a death grip on them, but had allowed them to form into deep and buried insecurities and lies. As time went on and more pain came my way, the lies and insecurities only grew bigger and heavier as I tried to mask them with perfection and smiles. But deep down, “my truths” flustered within me. “Truths” of worthlessness, low self-confidence, and unsteady identity. Making me believe I was and would never be good enough.
During the second night of worship, I was feeling so overwhelmed with the lies battling in my head. With desperately wanting to believe the intensity of Jesus's love for me but something was blocking it, something was in the way. At that moment, my squad mentor quickly came to me, grabbed my shoulder and said in my ear…
"The Lord just gave me a vision of you. You were in a field, making a brick wall all around yourself, not letting anyone in. But the Lord reached His hand down and took you out of your barricade and wrapped you in His arms. He began proclaiming His deep love over you and wants you to know that He is so proud of you. He wants me to tell you to let His love in."
And you can only imagine the ugly, whole-hearted cry session that came after hearing those words. The immense amount of emotion that I felt as the Lord was banging on my walls. I could feel His pursuit. His strong, powerful pursuit to my heart.
If that wasn't enough, the next night, in the middle of a worship song, I believe I knowingly heard for the first time, the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking His truth over me. I quickly sat down, grabbed my pen and journal and began writing the sweet words I was hearing:
As I sat back and read the words over and over again, tears of joy, of fullness, and of life ran down my face. I felt so overwhelmed by the boundless love and intimacy the Lord was pouring over me in that moment. These feelings and emotions continued throughout the week as I felt the Lord repeatedly declaring His delight over me. And as He spoke His identity and security into me, as He fought back every lie that had become my "truth," He began to heal my heart.
And just when I thought the Lord was done with me, He showed up in a way I've never experienced before. He spoke to me, but this time not with words. With a vision.
It was a sunny day, the wind was blowing and I was standing in a field lined by trees. I could only see my back but I was a young girl with my blonde hair in a little ponytail, wearing my favorite pink shirt, jean jumper and white keds. I was hand in hand with Jesus as we were walking to the edge of the field. But behind us, a pile of bricks had fallen and were laying in a beautiful chaotic mess on the ground.
The little Meghan who had held onto past pains and heartaches was finally free. I was free from the barricade, free from the lies I had believed for so many years and finally free to bask in the love of my Beloved. No longer separated but walking side by side as my Daddy proclaimed His furious love over me.
This is what the Lord did to me at training camp. He pursued me and proclaimed His truths over me until my walls finally came crashing down.
Do you have any walls around your heart? Lies that been buried for far too long? Let the Lord speak truth and beauty into you. Let Him cover you with His furious, all-consuming love. He wants you to let Him in.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement through camp! They were definitely felt and blessed (especially since in my last blog, I specifically wrote "But as one in Christ, I do ask that you pray for me this week. That as Satan tries to tear me down with lies and insecurities, that I would only hear my Father's truths louder." Wow, how great is our God!)
And I do ask that you prayerfully consider partnering with me financially so I can continue on this journey. My next deadline is $11,000 and I would love for you to help me meet that goal! All you have to do is click on the "please support me!" link on the upper left hand side of the page and enter your donation. Also if you would like an email update every time I post a new blog, please click the "subscribe for updates" link and enter your email address. I would love to have some new followers to share this journey with!
Lastly, I thought I would share the song we were worshipping to when I heard the Holy Spirit spoke His beautiful truths over me. It's been on my iTunes repeat ever since:) Enjoy!
