So I’ve been really struggling feeling connected with God. I’ve felt this way my entire walk with Christ. I know I was saved when I was in my early teens but it’s felt like I’ve been running from God all these years. I have felt a lot of shame and anxiety.
There have been many times that I’ve asked for forgiveness but never felt like I received it. I knew all the Christian sayings like, God forgives when you repent and I knew Jesus died on the cross for sins but no matter how many times I asked for forgiveness it never felt like I received it. I knew God loved me but it didn’t feel like he liked me.
I always felt like I couldn’t stick with this “Christian” life. I would have these wonderful highs when it came to the Holy Spirit but only in those moments would it last. It was never a day to day thing where I felt like Jesus was with me or I with Him. Where I felt like God the Father was walking beside me. It was more like a telephone call and as soon as I hung up He, They, were no longer there.
With all that said I would like to share something I’ve just recently experienced and still processing.
I had an Inner Healing with two of my squad leaders yesterday morning. Which is basically just a very intimate intense prayer lead by the Holy Spirit. Inner Healings can look different for everyone and can look different each time you have one. The purpose of Inner Healings is for God to speak life into a lie that was spoken over you in the past that more then likely planted a seed and grew roots through your life. That lie can look like many things. It can be an encounter you had with another person, something the devil fed into you, and/or something you continuously told yourself. Inner Healings are a time set aside for God to speak truth over you through the Holy Spirit killing these roots and changing your prospective of a memory.
It just happened to be the scariest, happiest, most emotional day I’ve had in my entire life. I had an encounter with God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit like never before. I’m going to try my hardest to explain what happened during my Inner Healing.
There were 4 people present in the room. My squad mentor (Alissa) whose only job was to sit and pray, one of my squad leaders who facilitated the session (Taylor), me, and God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Its important to specify which of the three; God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit I was encountering during each part of the session (for lack of a better word.)
So ya’ll can understand the spiritual battle I faced along with telling you what was said I’m going to also describe, as best as I can, what I was picturing in my head and what God said to me through the Holy Spirit.
The session started off with Taylor asking me to close my eyes and picture a time where I felt closest to God. It wasn’t a place I had ever been before but in my mind I was on a hillside laying in the grass under the stars and He walked towards me in the form of Jesus to lay beside me and hold my hand.
I was then told to look at Jesus and ask him what he wanted to show me (what memory I needed to visit), what lie I had believed, what strong hold the devil had over me that He wanted to speak life into.
When I went to ask Jesus this question I was no longer laying down in the grass I was now sitting up and for whatever reason I couldn’t look at Jesus. I couldn’t ask him what he wanted to show me. I was sitting in the grass with my arms around my knees with so much shame I couldn’t look Him in the eyes. He was trying to hold my hands and speak to me but I was speaking over Him. I was fighting to get away I wanted to run and hide and I couldn’t calm myself down. Looking back now I realize it was a visual representation of my entire walk with Christ.
He was kneeling beside me with His hand on my shoulder, but all I felt was anxiety and my entire body started spinning. It was like I was on a merry go round I was spinning so fast I felt like I physically had no control over my head anymore. It wasn’t just in my mind it was my body too it felt like I was actually spinning and I no longer had control over my body, I couldn’t open my eyes, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t do anything except sit there. It was like a movie when the screen starts spinning and every few moments you get a glimpse of the world around you. Every few moments I could see Jesus still kneeling beside me with his hand on my shoulder telling me that it was okay.
Taylor had asked a few questions during this time but I could no longer speak or move or open my eyes. I sat there in fear, trapped in my mind watching the world fly past me. In my head I could hear God saying, “speak aloud, ‘You (as in the devil) no longer have control over me, spirit of fear leave me.’” He was telling me that I had the power to say these things and the devil had no hold on me. But I was still trapped in the spinning vortex begging God to have Alissa or Taylor pray for the spirit of fear to stop oppressing me. I knew God was trying to encourage me but I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally after what felt like hours of spinning my Mentor Alissa asked if she could pray over me. She had been sitting there for a few moments in silence having no idea I felt trapped in my mind but felt the Spirit was leading her to pray over me.
I have the session recorded and her exact prayer was, “Any fear or anxiety she may be feeling, we know, is not of you Lord. Any chains that are holding her back making her feel like she can’t speak be broken. In Jesus name the spirit of fear has no place here, enemy you have no place here, you have no power over a daughter of Christ. There is no shame no condemnation when she stands in the light. Lord we ask right now that you give her YOUR strength, YOUR boldness where she doesn’t feel she has it, Lord. So she may be able to speak out any lies that she is believing that is not of you God. That she just releases it right now Lord, In Jesus Name Amen.”
As soon as she said Amen it was like this pressure was released off of me and I stopped spinning. I was no longer clenching my eyes and my jaw as tight as they could go. In that moment I felt God telling me you are my daughter and you have my power to fight and if the devil kicks you while you’re down I will always be kneeling beside you. But when you no longer feel like you have the strength to keep going know that I will send someone along to pick you up, brush you off, and remind you that YOU are my heir and YOU have my power.
Deep right? If you aren’t feeling it, I’m not describing it well.
After we were done kicking the devil in the ass we decided to try again. So we asked God what he wanted to show me, what truth he wanted to speak into me. Not that the last 20 minutes weren’t enough lol.
So going back in my mind to the moment where I felt closest to God. So yall can keep up, I was back on a hillside laying in the grass, under the stars, but this time instead of Jesus it was now God the Father. He was laying there beside me holding my hand. He told me in that moment that he loved me and that I can look at him. I was now able to see him and ask him what he wanted to show me.
I’m going to try and explain what I saw and felt but visions and the mind are hard to describe, now throw in the Holy Spirit and words don’t do it justice.
So now I’m this little girl again holding God’s hand and I asked him what he wanted me to see and he said, “a path of redemption.” Taylor told me to ask God what memory he wanted to take me back too. If you have ever seen the movie Inside Out, it was kinda like my memories were screens in my head and I was now looking at them from the outside. Instead of God telling me which memory he wanted to show me he asked me what memory I wanted Him to redeem.
Without going into too much detail, I chose a memory from when I was 13. the first time i can remeber myself trying to find love in all the wrong places either with friends, with boys, or with my family.
I watched a play by play of this memory twice. First it just ran through my head as I remembered it. Then Taylor asked me where God was in that moment. The second time I watched this memory flash through my mind I saw God the Father there beside me. Taylor told me to ask God to speak truth over that moment. He was telling me that I don’t have to do those things anymore, that it isn’t who I am and that I have the ability to come back to Him. He told me that I am loved and that I am cherished.
Sitting here writing this and thinking about Him being in that moment still makes me want to cry.
After God spoke life into that memory and changing the way I saw myself in that moment the Holy Spirit still wasn’t done moving. I feel like He wanted me to walk out of that room with an experience I never had before. Not that I had ever experienced anything like the last 60 minutes anyway. But I think He wanted to end on an even better note.
So Taylor asked me to ask the Holy Spirit if there was anywhere else He wanted to take me, or anything else He wanted to show me.
I believe the Holy Spirit wanted to make sure I knew before I walked out of that room that I really was an heir to His throne and I really was His daughter. In my mind God the Father was now rocking me and playing with my hair. He was telling me that I could come back to him anytime I wanted and that He wanted to experience life with me. That my path was no longer my own and that He would never leave me. That I could not experience any love on this earth that compared to His. He made it clear that He is a gentleman and He would never force me to do anything. I had to stop fighting Him and come to Him using my own free will. That His arms are open to me always. (To specify He was not telling me that I can pick and choose when to embrace Him but to know if I slip and fall He is always there.)
This session wasn’t all from memory it was recorded, I was listening to the recording while writing so hopefully it makes sense. I’m not asking anyone to proof read this blog because I know if I hesitate I won’t want to share. Thank You for taking the time to read this extremely long post. I assume the Holy Spirit is leading me to post this for a reason if not just to help me process this experience.
Bible verses given to me by either Alissa or Taylor after the session:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.
Psalm 139:4
Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Philemon 1:3
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Ephesians 6:11-12
Some quotes during the session from either Taylor, Alissa, or myself from the Holy Spirit:
The Father said do not be afraid of me, the Son said do not be ashamed in front of me, and the Holy Spirit said invite me.
New life. New depths. New season.
The trio looking down on me with Joy and pride. The Lord saying that is me in this moment and that is me in every moment.
Be willing to receive My gifts they are good and perfect. -Holy Spirit
You don’t have to fight me, I love you! -God the Father
WORTHY DAUGHTER!
