Training camp was like a dream. Not the “I lived like a princess” kind of dream, because I doubt many princesses eat crickets for breakfast, take showers out of a bucket, or go days without showering at all. Although my toenails are still stained from the red Georgia dirt, I find it hard to believe that training camp actually happened. Just like a dream, time seemed to be passing both faster and slower than usual (was it really only 10 days?). Now that I’m home, I find myself asking “did I just spend the last week and a half relieving myself in a porta-potty and ACTUALLY enjoy it?!”
But as unbelievable as it all was, that wasn’t what REALLY happened at training camp. I have a confession to make: I wasn’t excited to go.
Allow me to explain.
I don’t hold back whenever I feel joy rising up inside of me, especially with big plans. I can’t contain my smile or keep myself from jumping up and down, bursting with laughter. I’m super excitable. But as I stuffed my sleeping bag and clothes into my backpack for camp, all I could feel was – nothing. I was confused by my apathy. Why had training camp failed to arouse any excitement at all in me?
For the previous few weeks I had been taking care of my mom, who is battling stage 4 breast cancer. As it progressed, she experienced pain in her hips and was mainly bedridden. I loved serving her, not only because she is my mom and I love her, but because she is a daughter of Christ and He loves her. It has been a truly humbling experience to lend her my strength in the middle of her pain.
However, it all began to weigh on me.
My heart began to echo the question so many had been asking me, “How could I leave my mom?” Back when she was still active and we thought her battle with cancer would be over soon, it was easier to hold tightly to the call God had placed on my life and confidently say “it’s all going to be okay, God’s got this.” As her pain grew and surgery loomed on the horizon, it became harder to stand firm. My faith in my decision became shaky. Doubts crept into my head and my heart, like a thief anxious to steal away my hope and security.
>>> Fast forward to women’s day at training camp >>>
I was still struggling with the “what if” worries that floated around in my head when an amazing woman of God, named Rosie, gave a talk about trusting God. Her husband had a massive heart attack and she was waiting to hear whether or not he would make it when she had a conversation with God. He asked her:
“Do you trust me?”
“Will you still say I am good?” and
“I have called you, will you still follow?”
I knew God was asking me those same questions. I knew I was running away, trying to escape answering them.
During prayer that day, I sat down with God and talked things over. Begrudgingly, I answered:
“Yes, I trust you.”
“Of course, you are still good, no matter what.”
“No matter the cost, where you lead me I will follow.”
I had been worrying about the worst happening, and I finally released those concerns when He said, “Megan, you’ve been asking these ‘what ifs” as if I am not aware of what will come to pass. I know full well the circumstances into which I called you to go on the Race and I’m not going to change my mind.”
#DUH Megan
OF COURSE God knows what will happen, He knows every step of mom’s road to recovery, and He knows exactly what will happen while I’m gone. And being fully aware of what’s coming, He STILL called me to leave. He isn’t going to be surprised by the future.
Knowing I follow a God who fully knows the future freed me from my worries.
And boy, did it feel good to kiss them goodbye.
So, what REALLY happened at training camp? I had the time of my life while stinking to high Heaven. I experienced God working in my heart. I was healed from hurts I didn’t even realize were there. I grew to love a group of strangers so much they became my family in an incredibly short span of time (#squadgoals). I learned how to better hear God’s voice, how to utilize the power of His Spirit living inside me, how to share my faith with others. I learned to sacrifice everything to follow God.
I didn’t realize I could be so productive in a mere 10 days.
