It’s been there for years. Maybe no one noticed, nonetheless it was there, lurking.
My secret addiction.
I know you’re dying to know. What is this ugly addiction I’ve been harboring?
That’s right. PRIDE.
What is Pride to me? It’s:
– Thinking of myself first and only.
– Desiring to be the most loved, the favorite, or the best, and therefore, constantly comparing myself to others.
– Wanting to be seen when I’m good at something, wanting to be the one people go to for help.
– Placing too much of my identity on being “indispensable” and “wholly needed.”
– Seeking to be heard and understood more than I seek to hear and understand others.
– Living with a mindset that I have to fight to get “enough” – enough attention, enough love, enough respect.
– Believing the lie that another person’s gain is my loss.
– Feeling that I had earned all of this, that I deserve it.
– Most of all, believing that I am so humble that I don’t struggle with pride in the first place.
Folks, these are my ugly parts, that I have to look in the face every day and fight.
Because Pride tries to tell me that circumstances change my identity. That my identity is found in the opinions of others, and my standing among them will change my value. Pride says it’s up to me to establish myself and to take care of my heart’s needs. Pride speaks lies.
When I listen to Pride, I can’t experience the abundant life full of joy that Jesus has for me.
Several months ago, I asked God “what’s keeping me from connecting with you?” This was a question we were prompted to ask the Lord during a debrief session. Honestly, I pridefully didn’t expect an answer because I’d been connecting with God and didn’t feel far from Him. But, out of obligation, I prayed.
God graciously held up a mirror to me, despite my arrogance. In that moment, He simply and lovingly said, “Megan, you don’t always believe that I love you.” So basic. Something I thought I had completely mastered. And that was the beginning of Him gently pointing out the truth about the state of my heart that Pride had blocked me from seeing.
In the reflection, I saw someone who still had so much learning and growing left to do. I saw someone hungry to feel belonging, significance, and love, and was looking for it in the wrong place. I saw someone who could love others so much better if she stopped listening to Pride. He spoke gently to me about the places in me He wanted to change.
How do I fight Pride? How do I choose humility?
It started with bringing my darkness into the light. There is no darkness within us that the Light of the World (Jesus) cannot overcome (1 John 1:5-7, John 1:5, 8:12). Then, I was open, vulnerable, and exposed. And that’s when God could finally work. He reminded me of my identity in Him and brought my belief of that from my head to deep in my heart. I am his Beloved Child. I don’t need to fight for myself to be recognized or loved, because He already does. No matter the circumstances, even if everyone rejects me, the never-changing truth is that I am accepted. I’m chosen, wanted, and loved.
Am I perfect? No.
Do I fail at this? Yes.
But His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 2:9). As I walk with Him, I will learn the humble way, find joy, and love others better.
Whether you are already aware of your own fraternization with pride or like me, you’re currently thinking “pride? I don’t struggle with that,” I encourage you to take a moment and have an honest conversation with the Lord.
What’s keeping me from connecting with the Lord?
Where does God’s view of humility differ from the world’s (and my own)?
What blind spots do I currently have regarding my pride?
Pride holds us back from so much communion and intimacy with the Lord, with others, and with ourselves. When I can humbly look at myself and see all the good, bad, and ugly, and still love and accept myself, I feel free, and I have more grace for others. I don’t have to perform. I don’t have to be validated by others. Because I’m secure in the fact that my Father in Heaven also sees my good, bad, and ugly, and still wants me, loves me, and chooses me.
