I don’t know if this is a good way to start this blog post but, don’t make deals with God.
Don’t make deals with God especially if you know He’ll win in the end.
If I didn’t make a deal with God I probably would’ve saved myself some heartache.
But I also wouldn’t be where I am in my faith today.
This time last year I got into a relationship. I wanted it to work out so bad, I just wanted to be liked romantically. But I was already wrestling with the decision to go on the Race. So I prayed,”God, if this relationship doesn’t work out, I will go on the Race. But please, I want this to work. Let Your will be done.”
I broke up with him later that summer. I went for a drive that day because I had to get out and do something, and the first thing that popped into my head when I hit the Interstate…
“Remember that deal?” I was laughing through the tears. I thought this would’ve worked out differently. Becoming a missionary to 11 different countries usually isn’t the first thing girls think about after a breakup.
But I didn’t apply just yet, I was still wrestling with God.
Boundaries are something my parents have always guided me and my siblings on. They were always very open on this topic which I’m grateful for. Except my stubborn head last year didn’t give a care about them. So, in my relationship with him, there were some warning signs that I was just trying to ignore, because I wanted this too much. And even after we broke up, I was still holding my values and boundaries on a very loose leash. I just wanted to test the waters, I wanted to know for myself this sinful world. It looked so delicious. One bite wouldn’t hurt… I know how to handle it…
My life revolved around hanging out with non-Christian friends, flirting guys at work, living the Sunday Christian lifestyle, I gave my mom a run for her money. No matter how much she tried to warn me and give me advice, I just wanted to do my own thing. (Sorry mom. Seriously kids, listen to your parents.)
Basically last Easter when I should have been doing what good Christian girls should do, I was living the opposite. I was looking for acceptance, friends, fun. My sinful nature was hungry and I kept feeding it, small amounts and it kept wanting more. It felt good for the time being. Looking in all the wrong places.
Until those all fell away.
I was pulled out from that fun moment in time, and I felt dirty, ashamed, alone.
I turned around and my God was there. Waiting to take me back.
He took me home, cleaned me up, healed my broken heart. He lavished His love on me, and He was unrelenting about that conversation we had at the beginning of the year.
For another month I wrestled with Him on it. I was still seeking out His will and trying to walk the walk, but I wanted to move out with my friend because I still wanted that freedom and independence that my sinful nature was calling to, but I gave up. I couldn’t keep fighting Him. I applied. I was accepted. I started fundraising.And April 2018 here I am, 4 months until I leave.
I’ve spent the past few weeks looking back on how much I’ve changed in a year, how everything changed. I started living an unholy life last Spring, and at one point I felt like my purity was tarnished. Just ruined.
Now I’m striving to walk in a way that’s honoring to God, restoring that purity that’s built on a relationship with Christ. I hunger for His Word so much over the world. He’s leading me to becoming the child He created me to be. He’s leading me on a path of healing. With my counselor, with my mid-week Bible study, I’m learning the truth and building my faith in a deeper light.
I wish I could go back and undo the things I did last year, but then again, yes the heartbreak through it all hurt, but I’m so much closer to my Savior through this whole process.
I’ve made memories and had fun and met amazing people without letting go of those boundaries again.
I don’t want to go through that again, but as I look back, Jesus was right there through it all. God gives us the freedom to make our own choices, good and bad. He hates to see us hurt, but what kind of relationship is it if He just controls us? If we don’t have a choice? My choice is to love Him with everything I have. To share His love and this relationship with people across the globe.
So on this Easter, I’m celebrating that relationship I choose to have with my Risen Lord. I’m celebrating walking in purity. I’m celebrating that this time next year I’ll be in South America preaching the Gospel.
“There’s no shadow You won’t light up, mountain You won’t climb up coming after me. There’s no wall You won’t kick down, no lie you won’t tear down coming after me.”
