I want to be open and honest. I usually wouldn’t share these things. Since you all have been faithful in praying for me and supporting me, here’s a look into my spiritual journey.
The following two “conversations” happened over a 2ish month period.
It’s like it stays in my head, but how can I feel it throughout my body? How does my heart feel bruised yet nothing touched me? Why am I so tired? I’ve been letting myself get beat up for 3 days? Am I feeding myself these lies or is this a war going on?
Never have I felt Spiritual warfare as strong as I have these past couple months. Sometimes it’s little and can be handled with a prayer, other times it’s a relentless battle raging. I’m learning to discern it, and fight it, and it’s revealed a part of me I haven’t fully given over to Christ.
Self worth.
“Place your identity in Christ.” “I know who I am in Christ.” “I was made in the image of God.” “He has made all things new.”
Okay that’s great…
But, I know all that. I’m a Christian. I’m fine. I don’t have those problems.
“I’ve dealt with my singleness, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m confident in myself, I have friends, people like me.” I said to myself over and over.
Until you start hearing those whispers out of nowhere,
“You’re all alone. Look, everyone has someone but you. You don’t have someone to dance with, you don’t have someone to hold.”
“No, stop.”
“You’re all alone.”
“I said stop. I’m going to be happy for them.”
“But when is it your turn? Those are all of your friends out there so happy in love.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m not dancing by myself in a sea of couples, that’s stupid. Don’t do this.”
*A couple motioned me to join them on the dance floor*
I shook my head no. Don’t make a scene, don’t cry. You’re fine. You’re single for a reason. A good reason. It was everything I could do to hold back tears. I walked away and went upstairs. Yes a couple tears fell. I looked for my phone to distract myself. I had 2 messages, one from a guy I used to like.
“Man you’re relentless. Just leave me alone.”
That for sure wasn’t my plan for the night. I wanted to have fun and make good memories, I wasn’t quite dressed for battle.
Satan knows where I’m weak. He knows what makes me tick, he knows what makes me hurt. It’s like he’s got a baseball bat ready to swing. Wants to knock you down and beat you up.
And sometimes he creeps up on you slowly,
“None of what they said mattered.”
*shakes head to get him away*
“It was all a lie.”
“Whatever, I don’t care.”
Next day,
“You’re not special.”
“ugh.”
Day later,
“You’ve been through this same thing before, remember those feelings?”
“Sure do. They sucked.”
“You felt stupid. You felt played.”
“Played like a game.”
“They didn’t really care. You didn’t have anything that made you special from the rest.”
“I’m stupid for letting my guard down.”
This was war I’ve been trying to ignore. By now I’m feeling beaten down from the relentless whispers of lies throughout the weekend. I headed downstairs. It was time to fight.
My good friend texted me,
“He will not win. If you don’t quit, you win. We can pray together if you need to call me.”
I’ve got backup.
I started praying.
Praying hard.
Asking God to reach down and help me fight.
Praying specifically.
Reading scripture out loud.
Some tears,
and finally,
peace.
My heart still felt bruised, but there were no more lies running through my mind.
Satan wants to plant doubt and defeat in my mind. He wants to distract me from the Race. He wants to discourage me from my goal. My heart has been so set on Jesus and he hates it. He won’t ever win, because Jesus has already defeated him, but he will do all he can to turn me away from my Savior.
I learned through these battles that I place my value and self worth in other people.
I’ve been taught to place it in Christ, but no one has gone into detail on how that’s specifically done. So I went on with my life, not thinking much of it.
I care too much about what other people think of me. I’m scared of judgement.
I want to be liked and accepted so bad.
I want to be loved by a man who loves Jesus.
And I let that run my life. My actions were centered on it.
I’m trying to learn how to place my identity in Christ, I’m trying to see myself how He sees me besides what the world sees.
I want to live my life more concerned about how I can best love others instead of comparing myself to them.
I don’t even need a knight in shining armor when I have the King Himself fighting for my heart.
I know for certain these battles have just begun and won’t stop until I see Jesus face to face, but this is war, I’m going to take my stand against the devil’s schemes. (Ephesians 6:10-18)
I have an amazing mighty God on my side.
The enemy has to leave at the sound of Your name.
Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.
My Savior, Defender, You are my King.
