It has recently come to my attention that I have been unsatisfied in my faith. This was revealed to me through conversations with a new mentor, as well as the intensive 10-day training camp for the World Race. This unsatisfied state has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with how I have perceived Him my whole life. I have grown up in a Christian home, been involved in church activities, went to a Christian university, and have spent many hours in prayer and reading my Bible. I know a lot about faith, redemption, church and God and I have wanted to do everything in my power to honor and please Him with my life.
As I look back, I can see where perfectionism has been a stumbling block for me. It caused unnecessary stressors throughout high school, pushed me away from vulnerability within friendships, and most importantly it has kept me from a deep intimacy with Jesus. God has blessed me with so much that I have wanted to live as close to a perfect Christian life as possible. No swearing, no drinking, no smoking, no sex before marriage—the staple Christian “no, no’s.” But do you know where this has put me? My faith has become a performance rather than a relationship. All this time I have been doing a lot for God and not enough with God. He did not create us to simply do his work—that is just a bonus. He has created us to be in relationship with Him.
As much as I want to admit that I always have this relational mindset, I cannot. There are days where I have felt guilty for not opening up my Bible, or for not giving thanks at a meal, or not thinking of Jesus before I put my head to my pillow. Friends, this is not how God designed us to live. He says in John 10:10, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” Abundant life is found in Him, and not doing things for Him.
With this said, I have tasted this abundant life before. There have been many moments in the past where God has revealed himself in miraculous ways and has extended his hand to invite me into his presence. With one hand out my heart cannot wait to embrace his generous gift of friendship; yet, I have had the other hand gripped on perfectionism and shame. “God, I am too broken, I am not worthy, I need more time to know you better.” With patience, my Jesus has been steadfast to keep his hand extended as I’ve stood in the tension of perfectionism and freedom.
While reflecting on all of this, a story has come to mind about a boy named Jordan and a man named Daniel. While I was in Nicaragua a few years ago, I visited Jordan who was in a wheelchair. Jordan contracted a paralyzing disease and the doctors said he would never be able to walk again. We prayed over Jordan and hoped to see healing from this disease. A few years pass by, Jordan received healing and just started to walk again, praise God!
This past June I was able to meet Daniel who was in a horrific accident last December when he was working as a security guard. A man came out of nowhere and attacked Daniel, stole his gun, and struck him on the head with it. He was in the hospital for months, and the doctors said his injuries were so severe that he would never be able to walk again. Eventually, Daniel was well enough to return home. When I met Daniel, he was also in a wheelchair, had a tube in his throat, and was desperate to communicate and walk. Despite his situation, Daniel has an undeniable faith in Jesus. He expressed gratefulness to be alive and hoped to see the day when he could walk again.
During another visit with Daniel, my team and I were able to witness a holy moment. Jordan agreed to come with us to visit Daniel to encourage him. The pastors told me that the last time Daniel had seen Jordan was when Jordan was paralyzed in the hospital just after contracting the disease. Now, all of a sudden the paralyzed boy was WALKING through the front entrance of Daniel’s home. Can you imagine what was going on in Daniel’s mind? This young man is living proof of the same miracle Daniel was praying for in his own life. God is living and He heals! I wish I could sufficiently describe the emotions that shone on Daniel’s face that day. It was a face of longing, desiring, craving, and it was a face of belief, hope, and gratefulness. The two hugged, cried, and we all prayed together for another miracle.
When I think of Daniel and Jordan’s story, I think about where I have been in my faith. I have put myself in a wheelchair, one that has kept me from running into my father’s arms and embracing everything he has to offer me. Yes, I can taste God’s goodness, yes, he can use me in this wheelchair, and yes he loves me where I am. But then, in walks Jordan, and I see what I have been missing. Walking in the miraculous transformation of friendship with Jesus, a friendship that calls me into a deeper intimacy with him. I am instantly unsatisfied with my life in the wheelchair and I plead with God to give me the legs to walk towards Him. I know this intimacy exists and I do not want to return to the life I once lived before. I want freedom in Christ, a freedom that does not require a perfect performance.
Friends, he is giving me those legs! The 10-day training camp was an overwhelming adventure with Jesus that pushed me in all areas of life—emotionally, physically, mentally and most of all spiritually. Each day during the sessions Jesus pointed out more and more of what I needed to bring to him. Past shame and pain that I had buried and forgotten, lies that I told myself, and worth that was being drawn from the wrong places. Then in worship, Jesus met me in a sweet place and filled me with love, truth and belonging. He cares, he is fighting for me, and he has never left me, even when I chose perfection over Him.
Praise God because I am renewed and more ready than ever for this 11-month journey! I cannot wait to share this truth and freedom with others who are being held captive by perfection, lies, past shame, and pain. Our Jesus is a warrior and he is fighting for all of our freedom. John 8:36 says, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” Let us live that abundant life of freedom with Christ.
P.S. I love my squad! They are 18 beautiful souls who have two feet in on this World Race adventure, and are ready to follow the Spirit’s leading. I am so excited to learn with and from them as we serve together.
